Chronic Illness & Relationships



As promised this post will be about Relationship & Chronic Illness.

This topic is brought up more often than not. I get over 20 emails a month in regards to relationships whether it be romantic or just friendships. Health Central Website states that Disabled women have the highest rate of being victims of personal violence of any group in society today and they are twice as likely to be victims of Domestic Violence. Before we get started, I want to share this quote that I borrowed from Heart Sisters, “Bottom line: this guy is killing you on the installment plan.“Save yourself. “Get out now while you still have the strength to leave.”


Before I get to everyone’s questions I feel it is only fair to share my own stories in regards to this topic…………..If you have been following my posts since the beginning then you have an idea on what I have been through with friendship/relationships. This topic is not only personal but a very touchy subject for me but I want others to know that they are not alone and that their experiences are more common than not.

My experiences with relationships since I have been sick have been all over the spectrum. People have pushed me away, left me , blamed my health for everything, treated me like trash, while others have been supportive, some have even been extremely smothering. The worst in my opinion out of all of these are the ones who say they will be by my side through it all, then suddenly leave.

They make all these promises and plans and just when you think you are going to be taken care, they rip your world to pieces. Not only are you left to pick your already broken body up from the ground but you are left with time that you can never get back. They tell you, “I love you but you are too sick,” “you are making me sick, “I can’t watch you die,” “this is to much for me etc.”This made me feel like an almost finished puzzle that a bully knocks off the table. The puzzle pieces fly in all directions, some are found, others vacuumed up, some are  eaten by the dog and some never found. I had already been through a similar long term relationship years earlier and to feel the complete devastation once more was almost more than I could bare. I felt like I was drowning in yesterdays horrors. I am truly amazed at how selfish and mean people can be.  I look back now and realize just how strong I really am, because I am still here and so are they…*wink

I have learned a lot through the years.  I only open to up certain people now and I certainly keep people at bay. Being sick is so hard and it takes up most of my energy, so i try to keep negative energy at a minimum. I have little energy to spare. This is why people always on their electronics while wanting to “spend” time with me DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY……Put that shit away or I will choose to be around others who actually want to spend time with me. I also do not like when people I have not talked to in weeks come up to me, hug me and then say, “i have been thinking about you,” OR “I have been really worried about you, how are you?” REALLY????? My phone hasn’t rang, nothing is in my mailbox, no one stopped by…….. Listen I know we all have a life to live and we all get busy but do NOT say things just to say things!!!!!!!!  I would rather you say nothing than bullshit me.  I may not ever see age 50, 60 etc so I want to LIVE while I can! I want to live it with people who want to live it with me. People who want to spend their energy on me when they can. Why should I waste my time with you, if you spend little to no time with me? Last time I checked it is a two way road…is it not?!

I am a Gemini-Cancer so I wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part, I will do almost anything for anyone. And even though I am an A personality, I have allowed some people to walk all over me and continuously stab me in the back….because I was praying that someday they would love me the way I love them. All of us have our flaws and trust me this is something I am currently trying to change, because time stops for NO ONE. I know I can’t change anyone, i can’t make so called friends/family be there for me like they say they will,I can’t force someone to love me the way I love them,  I can’t make others  want what I want, I can’t make a cure appear, all I can do is live to the fullest everyday my body gives me.

I know many of you who write and  tell me about your similar relationship experiences and you feel ashamed or not worthy of being loved. Truth is they are the ones that are not worthy of YOU being in their lives. Do you know how people look up to you for getting up everyday battling something you are not winning? Do you know how strong you are? God does have a plan for you! I know its hard, but you are not alone and believe me when I say, the right person will come into your life and when they do, all the pieces will perfectly fit.

**** Please remember there are 2 sides to every story and the truth will always be somewhere in the middle**** HOWEVER that does NOT take away from either parties feelings or the way THEY experienced the situation…..and it NEVER excuses any type of abuse PERIOD!!!

1. Do we have to be alone because we are sick? 

No we do not! But that does not mean that we need to be in an verbal or physical abusive situation. In my opinion if you are fresh out of a relationship, take time for you. You can do this, You do not need a mate to survive. Yes it may be hard but you can do it, many are doing it right now. Believe in yourself and reach out to other spoonies when you are feeling alone. We are here for you.

2. I am really tired of the lack of compassion. I am tired of feeling like it is just me. What I am I doing wrong?

You are doing nothing wrong. Some people are  not made(for lack of a better word) that way. I think sometimes we do not notice this character flaw(my opinion) until we need it. Chronic Illness brings out the ugly in all of us. We are miserable and in pain all the time and then our partners feel absolutely helpless and instead of explaining how they feel, they take their emotions out on us. I recommend having a sit down and see if it is something you can work together on. Communication is VERY important.

3. If people have trouble loving us now, how can we expect them to love us as it progresses?

This is a hard question to answer, however I would say, if you are asking this question about the person/people you are with/around, then they may  not be the right ones to surround yourself with. However I believe sometimes we are with the right person/people and this question can come into play and when it does, I would just sit down and have a conversation about it. Really listen to what the other person is saying. People retract when they don’t know how to help you…Remember NOTHING is perfect. We all stumble….it is is how we pick ourselves up out of the fall that matters.

4. Do we have time to keep forgiving others, should we just settle with the ones who are around us?

I really feel that this is an individual choice. You spend your time on what means the most to you. But I will say this…..If you decide to forgive it is a choice! You have to make it possible for them to fix it. If we set up a pattern that makes them feel hopeless the relationship can’t work because they can’t be forever trying to get back that trust. If you find yourself “repeating” the same old shit, after forgiving and deciding together to move on, it is time to leave. Take it from me, losing yourself in someone else while battling chronic/terminal illness is a losing battle. Sometimes loving someone new is better than repeating the painful past. At the same time the grass is greener where you water it…….The choice is yours.

So forgive and move on or just move on……either way do what is best for YOU, at the end of the day you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. Do not forget to forgive yourself too. Whipping your own back will not make you stronger, it’ll only distract you.#thestrain 🙂





September Madness


I know 3 weeks ago, I promised to go more in depth in regards to chronic illness and relationships, however my health has unfortunately taken a turn for the worse. These past 2 weeks I have been in the hospital, so my post on relationships has been pushed back but I promise to get it done by the end of the month.

Due to the overwhelming messages I decided to write a little post about what is going on with me.  My cell death and inflammation around my organs is at an all time high right now. It appears that the chemo and biologics are doing absolutely nothing except making me miserable. Which in turn makes my pain go from a 6 to 1 million. No SHIT. The pain is so unbearable that I find myself praying God just takes me. With that said I have been in the hospital a LOT.

Thanks Brian for being my Javier to my Letty 🙂 Nothing is ever perfect but it always seems to work itself out……

I would like to shout out to Alisha who has become a really valuable player in my health crap. I am so grateful to her for taking time to help me. Although I think next time Alisha, You will be required to pick me up on the scooter…I mean it just makes more sense than riding in your truck….HA! * I promise not to  pee*

I also would like to thank the BEST NURSE ever, Rocco. Rocco is an amazing example of what a nurse should be like. I spend at least 70% of my life in hospitals and he is the only one that I have ever met who has so much compassion for his patients. He always goes over and beyond.

He will rub my hair until I feel safe, he will do whatever it takes to make  me comfortable. I am NOT a number, to him I am a person. When you are sick like I am, being a person to those taking care of you, is one of the most important things. So many treat us like numbers or like paychecks.  God definitely put him on my path for a reason. I really love this man, he has been taking care of me for over 8 years. I pray all of you battling your illness/disease have at least one person like Rocco on your team, it does make all the difference. If I ever win a million dollars, I would send him and his family on a dream vacation. 😉 No one is more deserving.

I also wanted to touch a little on the dark side of dealing with your body killing you. I know last month I touched a little bit on the Suicide subject because it unfortunately is a huge part of the chronic/terminal community but these past weeks have been the worst for myself. I think it is important that we be able to express how we feel and not have any repercussions. Like I said last month, your thoughts are normal, this life IS hard. The pain, the Dr’s, the hospitals, the lack of support, frustration etc it is REAL. I hope that all of you going through it, keep pushing through it. I have my days when I am just DONE, but I pray that God brings me/all of us through it. Lately life has been really hard on me because I feel that everything is now beginning to slip through my fingers. Everything that the disease to this point has not affected is now affected.  I feel so empty and so vulnerable. I often wonder what the point of my life is?! Some days I can answer this question and some days I just feel so clueless.

Last week I had an appt with one of my specialists who I know hears me but really does NOT listen. It took all I had but I told him that I AM DONE, I will NOT live like this anymore, so he needs to help me figure this out. I am still unsure if he was  completely listening or not but I see him again this Wednesday to change some of my meds that go directly into my spine via my pump. Only time will tell if this will help, if it does not then this….. was for NOTHING.

I told my Dr……

I also see my disease specialist this Thursday because this chemo/biologic mix IS NOT working and we need to look at more aggressive(like the shit i already take isn’t ) treatment options.My disease at this point is winning. My cells are taking over and attacking all my organs, If it continues at this rate, I will not survive much longer. I try not to think this way but it I see my body deteriorating. The internal bleeding is insane, I would show you pics but do not want to freak you all out. The weakness that has always been apart of my disease is extremely overwhelming now, I barely make it up to go to the bathroom anymore. I am lucky if I make it work 1 day now. As I said above, I see all these changes coming on… much as i want to keep fighting….I am tired. I still believe this is ME….

but my body quickly reminds me..

I am no longer afraid to die, I believe wholeheartedly that I have fought as much as I possibly could. So if my time is coming, I am ready, I am tired, this life has been full of battles, battles I am proud to say I fight standing up. I am living proof that you can keep going no matter what. In 2001 my specialist said I had 7 years to live, here it is 2017. I have already beat the odds and I will continue to fight until the very end.

I still have a few things to finish, I have this book deal that I want to finish and I just became part of another project that I am super excited about. Not to mention I love being at work…..I mean who wouldn’t want to work around this shit?! And I  really miss training……#america #pewpewpew

So until God takes me I am going to continue to fight and try to enjoy what good things life does bring my way…..I pray you all do the same….XOXO

What a week…


Weekly Update…

This week has been awful, so bad that I do not want to go over it all. It was full of excruciating pain and a bunch of bullshit from the Dr’s.  I spent time in the hospital, a few hours at work and the rest was spent in bed.

I have NOTHING positive to say about autoimmune disease this week! However I was glad to make it to work tonight! It feels so good to be out of bed and be around others.

AND I AM SUPER EXCITED BECAUSE TOMORROW I GET TO SEE MY FRIEND TYRONE WELLS! If you have never heard of him, please look him up! He is an amazing singer/songwriter!!!

So please pray/send positive thoughts that I am able to go and see him perform.

Due to the lack of energy I have I will answer all questions in next weeks post…thank you for your understanding. If you have a question, you can either DM @openkari or contact me here….




Bitch Session and Final Thoughts….

I get so many messages in regards to trying to keep positive when your whole world is crumbling,so many chronic illness suicides lately… so lets talk about this for a minute…

First off take a breath! If you read my posts, you know that my thoughts, pain, frustration, life etc are very similar if not the same as yours. It is OK what you think, what you feel etc. You are not alone. You might look around and see no one but we are here….I get it, you want it all to STOP. Ya me too! Some days it takes all I have to make it second to second. I pray, I beg God to help me through the day, to get a break, cause I need one so desperately. The constant pain is so over powering and it never seems to end. I don’t sleep much, i don’t eat a lot, I don’t get out much, life just seems so dim. I feel like I am being held under the water, never coming up for air.

The other day i was looking through some art work and I found this amazing photo that I think speaks for itself. Some will only see the negative in this picture, but to me i see truth, i see pain, i see hope….

Just because we might think something does NOT mean we will act on it and that is what I see in this photo. Life is a constant battle, unfortunately for us, we are battling our own bodies. This life IS fucking hard! We must always be shattering the negative that slips in our mind. Truth is….. Suicide is real, depression is real especially with chronic illness. I know that the chronic illness is NOT the only ones who have depression or who commit suicide but for the purpose of this post, chronic illness folks are the group,  I am talking about. We must never give up. We all have a purpose even when we have NO idea what it is. Fighting chronic illness can be a very lonely battle because no one can see the battle but us. I find this to be hard because trying to explain to others how I feel when to them I look OK, sucks! Some people just can’t comprehend that our cells are killing us. I get it, what you can’t see is hard to believe but trust us, what you can’t see we definitely feel.   Please talk about how you feel no matter what those feelings are. Stay Strong and Reach out if you need too…..I am here and do not worry if I have already touched on a subject..lets chat, ask questions! Together we can push each other through the shit. We did not ask for this life….but I wouldn’t notice the stars in the sky with out it. This disease that is killing me has reminded me to live…..I take NOTHING for granted, not anymore.

While screaming through the pain……do not forget to Laugh, take time to look at the stars, LIVE……..Because Life is not stopping because we are suffering…..XOXO

 Thank You Belle…I really needed these extra spoons


P.S  I get an overwhelming amount of emails in regards to relationship issues and chronic illness, So I am going to do a BIG post on this topic. If you have questions or want to add your input please message me! It is nice to get others opinions…..Thanks 😉 Maybe we will do a LIVE conversation too!


We are in it for better or worse..Chronic illness that is

 My weekly update…

I left off last Thursday the 3rd. That night I did my poison meds and then went to bed. Friday & Saturday I spent most of  the day in bed. If you have been on any kind of chemo meds and or Biologic meds, you know those make you feel like shit. Everything in your body aches, some of us can’t keep food down and my body loves to do this fun thing called, internally bleed. Sometimes I am blown away on what we take in order to fight our own bodies. 

Sunday I made it work but was in a lot of pain. My legs have been giving me a hard time. Lately I wonder just how much longer they will be working. I am so afraid that soon, I will not be walking much at all. Just when I overcome one fear, another one takes it place. I know even when my legs stop working, I will overcome it,however right now, it is scary to think about.

Monday and Tuesday were a complete Blur as We tried to numb the horrendous pain I was feeling. I believe my Dr’s are running out of ideas and ways to keep me comfortable. I wish more could be done but I am beginning to think nothing more can be done. My only prayer is that where we are moving to, has Dr’s who truly want to help and that I will be more than a paycheck to them.

I am very grateful though to a few fur kids who always love me through the pain….

As Yesterday rolled around, I finally began to feel some relief. I am really getting tired of this 4-5 awful days and 1-2 good ones. This is no way live.

Today I was able to get up, take care of a few things and I  even made it to work. High 5 to me!!

Your Questions Answered 

This week i received 2 emails that were very similar so I am going to answer them together.

1. I feel alone and I do not know how to express how I feel. I am afraid my loved ones will push me away.  2. I met someone a few months ago who was OK with me being sick, but now he is pushing me away, what can I do to make him stay?

First off even though you might feel alone, you are not. Many of us are going through what you are going through. I do not know your situation however I am available to talk. I know how Chronic Illness can separate you from the rest of the world.  I know what it feels like to not feel safe in my own skin. I know what loneliness feels like. For those of you who might be reading this, the loneliness that Chronic Illness people suffer with is different that just being “lonely.” Many of us have loved ones around and or nurses etc but still feel lonely in the sense that, no one understands what we are going through. It is important to know that just because you are here in the room with us or whatever does not mean YOU GET what we are going through. No one really understands unless you are going through it too. And to be honest sometimes us, the chronic illness forget that the average person does not  “get” it. And that alone causes a lot of frustration for both parties. Often People Retract more when they don’t understand what you are going through and because they do not know how to help you. I believe this is true however it is NOT an excuse, instead it should be a conversation. 

In my opinion the best way to express how you feel is to be honest with everyone involved even if they do not get it. Tell them to research your health condition and then have an honest chat. If the person you are trying to “talk” to blocks you out….move on from them. Everyone has baggage, our health situation is just like someone having 5 kids or 8 marriages or some kind of abuse in their past, etc. I really do not understand why some people can not just accept and love those of us who are sick. People can accept all the other things I mentioned in the last sentence but can’t accept sickness, like it is a deal breaker. Seriously????

As far as “making” someone stay, I hate to say it but LET THEM GO. If you haven’t read my story in the, “all about me section,” please go read it. I know it hurts to go through this but you will come out the other end. Look how strong you ARE, did you forget you are fighting your body?! I know how hard that is! You are a fighter!! Do not let others take anything from you.

Stay strong and know that many of us are fighting just like you and are going through the exact thing you are. Please do not hold all that heartache in, write about, cry about it,talk about it, express your feelings!!! And then move on baby! Like I have said before, it will hurt and you may feel like the world is ending, I mean how unfair life can be..right?! We are battling a fight with our own body that most of us will never win, and then people have to come into our lives and do nothing but hurt us! What the fuck?! I get it! I truly do!!! Sometimes I feel like I did something in another life, something real bad, because why else would 90% of my life be so awful, so scary, so painful, so hurtful? What did any of us do to make ourselves sick, what did we do to make others want to leave? The answer is NOTHING.  You are NOT alone, and when you feel like there is no way out, please reach out! I really love this Johnny Depp quote…

Bitch Section…..

While everyone’s life goes on mine stays the same….it never changes, it is full of pain, grief, frustration, hospital visits, Dr appts, screaming, wanting to give up, feeling alone and feeling scared of what tomorrow may or may not bring. I get tired of people saying they are supportive only to do the opposite. Tired of hearing whispers of “I love you,” only to feel the knife in my back. I am tired of shaking the bed screaming every night while the world sleeps. I get so tired of explaining my health to others, i get tired of faking smiles, i get tired of fighting a fight i am not winning. I might write all the time but I keep so much inside because sometimes it is better to be Silent than have to go into deep detail about how I really feel. Some tears I will never share………….



Final Thoughts….

August is Gastroparesis Awareness month! This is one of the chronic illness’s I suffer from. Gastroparesis can interfere with digestion, cause nausea/vomiting, problems with blood sugar levels and so much more. There are a few different ways people get Gastroparesis and it affects people in different ways. In my situation, during one of my surgeries, my Dr cut my vagus nerve which paralyzed my stomach(gastroparesis.)

As you can see from my records, 90 min is normal halftime for food to make it from belly to intestines. Mine took 241 minutes. Once I was diagnosed the Dr told me that i would never ever eat solids again because they would never digest. I tried years to eat only liquid foods but ended up starving so I went back to some solid foods. When I eat solid foods this is what happens….this is my swollen belly. This can last for hours until my belly decides what to do with the food I should not be eating. Sometimes I puke up the food and other times i force it through with meds my Dr gives me. Either way it is very painful. Some of us with gastroparesis are very thin because we are all different. Some of us can NOT eat solids at all…PERIOD which make us very fragile and thin, some of us have thyroid issues/other chronic illness along with the gastroparesis which causes weight gain. Usually I am on the thinner side however right now I on a few medicines that make me gain weight. Gastroparesis also affects my blood sugar, which require me to take Glucose.

Side note***PLEASE do not say to someone who has gastroparesis and is STARVING…that they should be happy about how thin they are!!! Trust me when I say they are not HAPPY about starving and being bones. And do not tell someone like myself there is no way I have gastroparesis because I am not thin…..I will shove my diagnosis (shown above) up your ass…….


This is my beautiful Friend Cheryl who also has Gastroparesis. She is another beautiful soul fighting everyday to survive. She always amazes with her strength, she keeps going even when I know she wants to quit sometimes! Can you imagine being hungry but can’t eat because it hurts?! Everyone in her life should feel blessed to have her, because she is so special and just like Me, God has a plan for her too….I feel we are cut from the same cloth, we both are sharing our stories and trying to help others. You are a ROCK star Cheryl! Many prayers and love sent your way!!

AS ALWAYS thank you all who support us who are living second by second! Love one another and never judge a book by its cover….everyone is battling demons….



Do Not Underestimate US

Happy August Everyone! I hope this Post finds you all doing the best that you can be.

Starting with this post, I want to do things a little differently. I want to break things up into these sections 1. My weekly update, 2. Your Questions Answered 3. Bitch Section 😉 and 4. Final thoughts

My Weekly Update……


Tuesday July 25th I was in a lot of pain and nothing seemed to help, and trust me I tried everything! I was able to get my hair cut. I hate to cut it all off but I am so tired of crying while I hold my hair as it falls out. I just need a break from that heartache.

Wednesday through Saturday, I was in  so much misery. The pain was out of control. These are the days that it takes everything I have to keep going. Sometimes I just lay in bed screaming for it all to end and I have learned that, it is OK to do that. I found this amazing art that I think depicts exactly how I feel when the pain is taking over.

Sunday/Monday July 30-31st I only worked a few hours because the pain in my spine and legs was still so unbearable. I often wonder wonder is my purpose here? Why do we all have to suffer in some way? Oh so many questions.

Tuesday August 1st I spent the day in Bed and spent the evening emptying my guts! Oh such good times! NOT

Wednesday I spent most of the day in bed.

Thursday I slept till 11 and then went to the store to get all the new foods for my new “fresh food lifestyle,” that I pray helps with anything I am dealing with. After eating some delicious food, i headed off to work. It felt so good to be out of the damn house and around other people! I am so thankful for my coworkers! They really know how to make me smile and I love how they put up with my picture taking….when I am gone they will appreciate all the memories i took pictures of….(thank you Moses for this awesome “chick” pic) HA!




Your questions answered….

  1. How do you get your loved ones to understand what you are going through? This is a hard question to answer because truth is no one but someone else going through the same/similar issue will understand. Kind of like when someone is telling you how hard their divorce is, yet you have never been divorced. You can empathize with them but you really have very little clue what they are feeling. I would suggest for them to do research on whatever chronic/terminal/autoimmune disease you are battling. Encourage them to find a support system for themselves. I think it is a good idea to try and sit down with them and have a “real” conversation with them. This should include your fears, their fears, expectations, desires, wants etc. Be upfront with them, do not sugar coat this shit. Our lives can be tough and we need people with us who can be tough when we need them to be.  Even with all I am  suggesting, just be prepared that anyone on your path will fail you at some point, because we are all human and lets face it, taking care of us can be draining. I know it is draining on us too…It is just the way it is! If none of the above works, you can do what i do…I either keep forgiving or I just kick them off my path….Because time is short, we can either keep explaining/educating or we can just move on….I hope this helps 😉
  2. How do you stay so positive week to week? I actually found this question funny, because I do not see myself positive week to week. In fact sometimes it takes EVERY INCH OF ME to smile. So thank you for saying that you see me so positive, there is hope for me yet! HA! On a serious note, I work very hard to not be angry. Because I am angry, real angry! These autoimmune diseases have taken things from me that I worked very hard for. I have lost a lot on this autoimmune journey. On the flip side, I have made a lot of new friends who help me continue on this new journey. I have learned a lot about food and what is good for our body and what is not. I have learned to stop and smell the carnations. I have a whole new outlook on life. I no longer take walking, running, talking, dancing , singing etc for granted. With all that said the things that help me be positive is my love for God, my family and my small group of friends. Music is also a great tool I use. A friend of mine Tyrone Wells who is a singer/songwriter writes amazing songs that really uplift my spirit. Emily Hearn is also another great artist who speaks to me through her music.  I also push myself to work 10-15 hours a week, this gets me out of bed, out of the house and around people. This is very important. I also love to write, this helps get out whatever is in my head. If you find yourself battling demons, try these above suggestions, or do something that makes you happy whether that is shopping, painting, coloring, horseback riding, talking to friends, watching a movie etc.


Bitching is what I do best…. Ha!

The Other day I was talking to another Spoonie who has a lot in common with myself and we were talking about how people sometimes forget that we are sick. What I mean by this is they expect us to do everything and then some with zero to little energy and with severe pain. These last few weeks I am dealing with 10 million pain  (as i call it) but still go to work, go grocery shopping, do laundry, clean the house etc. As you can imagine, sometimes the laundry just sits there, the dog fur takes over the floor, i miss work etc because I just can’t physically do it all. So outside of everyone else’s expectations, I also put a lot on my self. For example I used to be able to do it all, I am an A personality which means I like it done the way I do it…the right way 🙂 LOL  So when I can’t get to this or that my mind goes in overdrive and I feel like I am failing at everything. This situation is the shits! 

I think this quote is pretty accurate for many people especially me.  When  i was younger my “A personality” would waste time arguing with everyone who stood in my way or frustrated me…. :-)…… but now I just sit and watch these types of people drown in their own bullshit. I definitely think more than I speak now…thank goodness for that! I guess we do get wiser as we age!

Final Thoughts…

I have been getting a lot of messages about spoonies doubting themselves and feeling like nothing will ever go right now that they are sick. I completely 100% agree with this. I get it, I am right there with you all.  I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own sickness that we can not find any way out. Personally I get frustrated with those around me who can escape me(for lack of a better word.) Brian gets to go to work and not have to listen to me in pain or watch me throw up for hours on end. People at work rarely see the shit I go through, they get the, “I am feeling OK Kari.” But for me, it NEVER ends. I always feel sick, some days are just better than others. I often get caught up in all the negative especially when I have not had a good day in weeks. I suggest we all once a week remind ourselves of what we have accomplished sick. For me I go to all the things people said I could not do…and then I just smirk…I have been so lucky to do all the things I have done..I love that I have that “push through” attitude!

I have taken many gun and knife classes,I also have done some pretty amazing things like go with Tyrone Wells on his acoustic tour. I am so blessed that we are friends! If you have not heard of Tyrone wells…please do yourself a favor!!

I forgave my birth mom even when nothing more came of it. When I am in so much pain that I just want to die and I am screaming for her, she never comes. For those of you who have your mom’s…take a moment and realize how lucky you are.

However, I am so lucky to have my BFF visit every year..cause she LOVES me…..just a little……

I miss you so much Rhonda. I hope you know what an amazing friend you are! You are my everything…OXOX

I am in the RGJ hall of fame…and I was part of the California NOH8 project.

I rode all the way with Brian on the MOTORCYCLE to Sturgis and back last summer…and I did it ALL while doing my chemo and biologics! That was NOT easy at all.

More importantly I have survived all of this and more…

    21 surgeries and a whole bunch of poison meds later…….And I am still FIGHTING! Never forget how far You have come!

We can do this! Do not only remember the Bad in our lives! Remind yourself of all the good you have done and all the memories you are making with others! I know it gets hard when some of us are taking our lives and or dying from health complications. I know its hard when you are spending all your time in the bathroom, in the hospital, in so much damn pain! Trust me this is how I feel 80% of the time…

“I can’t due this anymore,” is heard almost daily in this household! But somehow with the grace of God, I keep standing back up. I keep going.  I know God has a higher purpose for me, even though I do not understand what that is right now. I would like to think that it is because I am not done here even though I feel so tired of all of this….I really hope this quote is true…..not because I want to die but because I want this fight to be over. I am DONE fighting my body…I am tired…very tired……

Until next week….keeping hanging on even if by a thread! As always if YOU need to talk to someone who understands….Email me or DM @openkari…You are not alone…..I AM here….











The Resilient Beast


If you have been following my posts, you know that I took a month off of ALL meds. All of my tests are now back and none of them are good. (enter sad face here) My pain like I said last week has doubled, sometimes tripled. I guess in this case, the Dr was right when she said, “Stop meds and the disease will take over.”

So as you can imagine, this past week has been one I wish to forget but just in case you were curious, i will give you a readers digest version..

Thursday,July 13th I made an appt with a massage therapist named Kristin.  She was amazing and for the first time in 2 weeks, I slept the entire night. However by morning, I was throwing up and this went on all day. The massage therapist said that because I was back on higher doses of chemo meds, my body was unable to fight all the toxins that the massage put into my blood stream. Why does NOTHING seem to go right?!

Saturday I was able to hold some food down but was still in a lot of pain. Sunday I went  to work but by the time I left I was in so much pain, it felt like I could not breathe. At 10 pm I went into the hospital and did not get out till the next day. As you can see I was very thrilled to be at the hospital.  

I was grateful however as the Dr on call did try and help me, as best as she could. A few hours after these pictures, i decided to go to work as  I could not lay in a bed any longer. Besides two of my old coworkers stopped by to say HI. I look cute for being in the hospital all night. 😉 Make Up does wonders! Ha!

Tuesday was a complete blur, i slept most of the day. Wednesday I had two Dr appts. One of the Dr’s was great. He refilled my Permanent Spine pump and upped the dose in hopes that it helps with my pain.  The other Dr just irritated me by telling me that my new Chemo/biologic dose was going to be higher than last week. I get so tired of all of this shit. It is so easy for the Dr’s to tell me these types of things when they are NOT the ones who have to take it.

Thursday night I did the higher dose of chemo meds and within an hour i was feeling like crap. Friday and Saturday were awful, I did not even want to crawl out of bed. The pain was ridiculous, just the sight of food made my belly sick and of course the internal bleeding started back up. I absolutely hate days like this because NOTHING you do is right. You just have to push through it all and hope you make it to the next hour and so on.


So that is how my last week went. Today I keep reminding myself that it is a new day and that I have to keep pushing forward. This past week has been extremely rough and there was times when I thought I could not go on. It really sucked that when I reached out to several people to help me at the hospital then  got a million and one excuses the next day of why only a few got back to me. Look I know people have lives however the only people I reached out to were the  ones who said, “Kari, reach out if you need anything.”  So IF YOU DO NOT MEAN WHAT YOU SAY…PLEASE DO NOT SAY IT.  My health is no joke and when I reach out, i really need YOU. I have no family here and sometimes I need more than Brian to help. Many of you may not understand what it is like to be so sick that you have to take all these horrible meds, be in 24/7 pain, see your Dr’s more than your friends and then watch everything that you have ever imagined your life to be disappear before your eyes, but I am here to tell you it sucks. With that said, I would like to answer some emails I recently received…..

1. How do you “push” through when all you want to do is give up? Am I normal to think of Suicide?

Good question! Truth is I scream a LOT. I Pray, I pray God to hold my hand and walk me through it. Sometimes I get in my car and I just drive. I drive until my mind stops focusing on the pain. I walk till my legs say no more. I just find something else to do and If it is a day where I can’t move at all, then I lay there and I scream, and I pray and I see it through. Some of the emails i get in regards to this subject talk about wanting to commit suicide. I completely understand why you would want too, i know it hurts, i know what you have lost while your body has turned against you, i know people have left you, i know, I am here with you. I am going through the same things,  and you are not alone. I believe thinking about suicide is normal  but I do not think that we really want is  to die, i think we just want all the effects of chronic/terminal disease to end, the pain, the misery, the heartache, the loneliness etc. I think when we are diagnosed with chronic/terminal illness the Dr’s should be more proactive as far as making a plan for each of us. What i mean by plan is,  after being diagnosed, there should be a “team” for lack of a better word, that is put into play. A team that is made for each of us as an individual.

In the Midst of Chester Bennington’s and the 3 Spoonies from my support group who committed suicide, I would like to take a moment and discuss Suicide and how I see it. The word suicide should not be one we fear. We should be able to talk about Suicide with our Doctors with out repercussions. I hear more often than not how chronic illness people are afraid to talk about how they feel because they are afraid of being scrutinized and labeled. I think this is something that we need to keep talking about. It is a very important subject that many of us are silent about. I once read that,” Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources coping with pain.” I really love this quote and i find it very fitting for many of us dealing with chronic pain/illness/PTSD. I AM almost always available if anyone wants to talk or you can call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Suicide IS real, and should be talked about, please do not  Suffer in Silence.

2. Do you feel like a burden to those who love you? 

The only good answer to this question is YES. How can any of us who are battling some type of disease not feel like a burden to those around us? It is very natural to feel this way. Sometimes I can barely walk to the bathroom, or walk down the hallway and i have to ask for help. I used to love going to the movies, or go out to eat, like sit and eat but no longer enjoy these things because I am either in to much pain or so fatigued that I just can’t spare the energy. This is WHY i always tell people when they come into my life just how sick I am because they need to know that it is a full time job just taking care of me sometimes. This is also the very reason many people who are sick are left by those who promise to love them. I am NOT just the girl people see at work or at HOG meetings etc……and you are NOT just the person you are when out and about. At one point in time, we all wear a mask.  All of us must choose wisely who we allow onto our path……


On a side note, I just want to say thanks to my cat who passed away last July…..Haussen you were my best friend. You never used my health against me in fact you loved me  through it. I love you everyday and you will be forever missed…….

As always thank you all for your continued support. I am so grateful to each and everyone of you. Remember to treat each other with kindness and know that EVERYONE is battling demons of some kind.  Have a good rest of the week…..XOXO










Don’t Expect To See A Change, If You Don’t Make One!

Hi!! I know this post has been one of the most anticipated by many of you..HOWEVER I want to cover a few things before I tell you all the BIG news…….

Health wise my body has been in SO MUCH pain!!!!!!! 24/7 pain when you have a gosh dang-it pain pump is BULLSHIT! AARRG This whole situation has been a complete mess and I feel so out of control. I am not sleeping, I am eating during odd hours and I am just over IT.

So last week I took all these blood tests and we should have all the results in the next 48 hours but one came back the same day. This particular test showed my cell death has doubled in the last month. So as much as I want control over my health, at the very moment I need the chemo and biologic meds BUT I am not giving up on looking for alternative stuff. I am DONE watching my hair fall to the floor, I am DONE bleeding from what seems like everywhere. I am DONE with how these chemical meds make me feel.  My asshole disease DOES enough to me! My specialist says the chemo and biologic mix slows the disease progress so if I continue not to do treatment, the disease will be very progressive…..Like i said before one test is already back and the other 14 will be back within the next 48 hours. With the first test already bad, I am so afraid of what the other ones will show. I feel so selfish for stopping the meds BUT I needed the break…….It has been 5 FUCKING years of that shit. What if this is the very reason my pain has tripled? Did I do this to myself? Is my body punishing me? Please keep me in your prayers this is going to be a rough next few days. And even though i restarted the poison meds a few days ago, I might have already done some serious damage that may require some other fucked up meds…….But on a positive note, I am looked cute on test day..

. And with me, when one vein says enough is enough….they hit the other side……Share and share alike 😉

If you follow me, you know this year has been pretty rough on me, It seems like every time I turn around something else is in my way.

Truth is, I never thought my world  would turn from this  to this 

Yes I am smiling in both pictures BUT ONE has no idea of what is about to happen, ONE does not know that in a matter of weeks, she will be giving up on her Bachelors in Criminal Justice, giving up an amazing career, watch people shut the front door  and never come back, ONE will pass on some amazing opportunities,and live a life full of poison meds, disabilities and severe pain. One will be forced to trade in her energy and friends for severe fatigue and Dr’s. The other ONE is smiling because even though my hair is falling out due to meds, my organs are struggling due to disease, I AM STILL A FIGHTER.  Yes most days I want to JUMP off a cliff, BUT I have learned to live for the Good days, the days I can get out of bed, feel the disease and pain rip through my body and still Smile. 

With ALL that said I am so grateful for those of you who let me be silly, who push me past the negative……..

Some of you live far away now But keep in close touch and I love you all for that! I miss and love you guys so much! The rest of you fools get to deal with me a few times a week….SUCKERS

P.S. if you don’t see yourself above stop being so SENSITIVE………….. HA!

Sabrina girl we have to get together eventually, can you imagine the selfies? HA HA……thank you so much girl for coming into my life. I love that we share so much even the bad parts..the health stuff…..shit If we were healthy we wouldn’t even know about each other….. #shieldmaidens

Later this week, I will be sharing with you all a taste of Sabrina’s health be sure to read it under the Tab titled  Stories that inspire you…….

Take time to be silly…in the end NOTHING we own is going with us SO MAKE MEMORIES……


Outside of the pain, I have been to the Dr 3 times in the last week…….I think they call that dating?!

This one is for you folks who say…….”Hang in there Kari.”

Unless YOU have or ARE going through what us “spoonies” go through….please think before you speak. I know it is hard to find things to say to those of us who are struggling everyday but I personally would rather hear nothing then, “you look good today, you must feel ok,” “the pain should be better tomorrow,” ” tomorrow is a new day,” “you can do it,” and all of course my all time favorite…..”you look so good, how can you be so sick.”       I had no idea you could SEE INSIDE ME……… I am Impressed!!



I know many of you mean well but this is ONE thing we all struggle with. Truth is many of us will NEVER be healthy again, this is our NEW NORMAL and it sucks, if you could just imagine having the FLU forever along with some Broken bones….then MAYBE just MAYBE you can imagine what our life is like.

Since my last post, I have received many emails in regards to being left, or being treated like crap by those who say they love you. If you remember nothing else…remember this…

Everybody has bad days, even those who do not share our health issues, so allow for those days but if it goes beyond that and into ABUSE….

I think one of the hardest things i am STILL learning is this…

Even when I am weak and in more pain than i want to explain, I still push myself to make others happy when they could careless what I do or don’t do. It is who I AM. I am the type of person who gives 100% in ANY relationship even on my worst days. This is one of the things that I will be changing, because I am wasting so much energy on people who don’t give a shit.  Sometimes through all the health stuff, I forget my worth. I  get lost in all the pain and suffering. I forget I am a person, a GOOD person. None of us are perfect BUT this doesn’t mean we HAVE to put up with shit. Our health is ENOUGH.  My goal is to make SURE my health is the only NEGATIVE thing in MY LIFE. *Side note*** for those of you going through a rough breakup/friendship..whatever, I am here to listen. You are NOT alone! TAKE care OF YOU!!!!




ALRIGHT ALRIGHT…….You have all been patient enough..


Where I am now, I am NOT growing as a person. My Doctors can no longer do anything BUT keep me comfortable. Everyday I do the same thing over and over again. This is NOT how I want to live. So We are moving. We are leaving Nevada. I need to see better/different Doctors. We are currently looking for different treatments, I really don’t have time to waste. No else advocates for me BUT ME. I do not need to get into detail but every aspect of my life is at a STANDSTILL. Everywhere I look, I am the sick girl, I will never get the opportunities that others are given. I will never be given the opportunity to advance because of my “disabilities.” Every time I get involved in something outside of my health, I hit road bump after road bump. I am DONE. I am with DONE with some people here in Reno, I am done with Doctors who just want to cut and fill my body with pills. I will no longer settle. I want to go where no one knows me. I want to be appreciated. I want to spread my wings before they are fully clipped. There is nothing in Nevada for us. You would think living here for half my life I would have some ties but I found out very quickly when I got sick, just how fake people can be and just how bad the Doctor/hospital care is.  Sure I will miss some of you who I have a special bond with but life goes on……It takes 2 keep a friendship……i will see just how many of you keep in touch….and YES i know phones work both ways….I know how to use mine, Do you?

I will keep you all posted on the move date, please do not ask where we are going, it is not important right now, we are not moving anywhere to be close to any one thing or anyone..We are doing this for US…….That is all I have to say on the subject. 


The other news is…a few months back 2 publishers approached me with book offers(apparently some people like what I have to say…… ha!)The choice of who to go with was easy!  I have decided to go with a publishing company that stands for FAMILY, supports our country and understands some of my struggles. I do not want to say much at the moment except that I am excited to do this and proud to be a part of this amazing journey.  This book will be time consuming, therapeutic(i am sure), But so worth it. And of course some of you can have a signed copy….. LOL

When i first began writing, i did it to get my health demons out, I had no idea how much my life, my words, my struggles would end up helping so many others like myself. I have to admit most days the future seems bleak, i can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am scared and unsure where my health journey is taking me BUT it is silver linings like this that give me HOPE…and sometimes that is all we need to get us through each second of the day…..

Thank you for your continued support….Much love to all of you <3
















It is What it IS

Happy July Everyone!!!

Alright lets do this….


Tomorrow will be 3 weeks off of chemo and biologic meds and so far I am really miserable. BUT this is expected as now my autoimmune diseases are allowed to do what they want. 

 It is what it is…..

Last week my knees were very swollen and all I wanted to do was cut them off. I tried everything and when NOTHING helped, i went to see my Dr. My Dr by accident turned up my spine pain pump a little too high and it made me very sick….thankfully the next day he was able to turn it back down. All Dr’s are against my medical choices so please continue to keep my secret…LOL

I am going to DIE on my terms which may change day my day…..But I am not going down with out a fight! I will keep you all posted.

 Sometimes you just have to push through the pain…

Next week I do my first set of blood tests off of my chemo/biologic meds. I am very scared to see the results but maybe my body will surprise me….

Also starting tomorrow(Monday July 3rd) i will no longer eat anything white like starches and such(although I will have ONE cheat day a month.)This last surgery and meds  has really kicked my ass…and this excess weight gain has got to hit the road!!! So if you have any good veggie recipes toss em my way!



I have had a lot to deal with this past few weeks and for ME, it is best to get it off my chest…Lately I find myself mad because even though I wan my health to be the worst thing in my life, I find other life issues rearing their  ugly head where it does NOT belong..ARRG  For those that do not know me personally, I am a very A personality so I like things my way, done RIGHT the first time, very few questions asked. With that said you can imagine how I might feel when I can’t control things like my health and then other “life” issues start to arise! 

I feel so out of control when my pain will not stop, I can’t sleep and It hurts to walk. I just want to escape, so I head out to my car that needs new tires. Then i see that I need gas however my bank account says ZERO. It is then I am once again reminded of another thing my health has taken away…why did I bother to spend all that time on  my Criminal Justice degree? Why does the government put such TIGHT guidelines on people who are on disability? Like we did it to ourselves? Just last month i was kicked off the Medicaid program because I made an extra FUCKING $48 dollars. Seriously????? It is such bullshit. I feel like they want those of us on disability to just sit at home ALL THE TIME feeling sorry for ourselves waiting to die. Well that IS NOT me, I want to be OUT every day MY BODY ALLOWS ME TOO!!!

And then I am a little OCD..i think it comes with the A personality…HA! So I PUSH myself even when I SHOULD not in every aspect of my life. I spend spoons doing stuff and then I watch as people take little to NO notice of what I do. Do you know how much it takes to  just shower and dress myself most days?

Autoimmune diseases love giving us severe fatigue along with that FUN pain. Fatigue is so much more than just being tired. Imagine the last time you had the flu….and then quadruple that feeling and that is what many of us experience EVERY day. Please have compassion or at the very least respect the shit we DO when we can! We really are doing our best.


So not to hit on this subject again BUT i get so many emails on this TOPIC….Why do loved ones leave us?  

As i have said before I can only really talk about what I have experienced and just so you know, as long as you guys keep asking about it, i will talk about it. I am not afraid or ashamed of what others will think or do think, i could fucking care less. Does it hurt sure but that will eventually go away…and hopefully the RIGHT people will come into our lives…

This meme is so TRUE, you need to forgive yourself. And remember it is never a mistake UNLESS you didn’t learn from it. 😉

Several of you asked if i could sum up how i felt in the moment my health was used against me and how I felt as someone who was supposed to love me walked out.  To be honest he made me feel like I was not worthy of being loved by others. 

And being the A personality I am, I let this fester in my mind and heart, I ALMOST let it change the person I am. Because outside of being a very strong headed person I am so loving, I give a million % of myself, because I know first hand what It is like to be left behind so why would I want someone else to feel that way? I wouldn’t.  Like many of you, I was left over something I could not change, i couldn’t fix my health, I couldn’t fix that I was always in bed. At the time I could not find a way out of my frustration, I couldn’t just FIX my fucking health and so you left me behind. For the longest time I drove myself crazy because I could NOT for the life of me see how someone could leave someone sick because I myself would NEVER walk away from my sick loved one. But I guess LOVE means something different to everyone. Which brings me to another group of people, “family.” Even people who share our blood or family ties can be just as ruthless and hurtful. Many “spoonies” will agree that anyone who can’t “deal” with our health issues will walk when given the chance. So if BLOOD family can walk away then should we be surprised when others do too?

The important thing to remember is IT IS THEIR LOSS. I now look back and see all the things that people have missed out because they chose to leave. So many amazing memories I have made with other people because they chose to love me no matter what my health is like. They chose  NOT to say what you said to me… ” I can’t watch you die,” “your health is making me sick too,” “i love you BUT, this is just too much.”  Or my other favorite things i hear from others(ONCE a year), “we really care about you,” “thinking of you kari,”….Ya once a year I cross your mind…

Heads UP…………………………………..THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT SOMEONE YOU SUPPOSEDLY YOU CARE ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When you care about someone, you keep IN TOUCH. It really isn’t that hard….Just saying 😉 AND if you have not noticed..i treat others as they treat ME….


Then there are others we keep in our lives who keep us at arms length and never really truly love us, they just keep us around maybe because they don’t want to be like others and leave us behind or maybe we are just good ENOUGH until someone else comes along. They “hide” us for a lack of a better word. Meaning they seem to care when we are around but the minute we are out of sight we are out of their mind. I see this a lot. They too take us for granted. Like the sick do not deserve to be loved. Like we will never be good enough.It is hard for all involved BUT the difference is,  we can’t just UP and leave, we are stuck.Do you feel lucky that you were able to leave and not look back? Do you sleep well for treating others like they are worth nothing? Why did you get involved with someone who was sick? Did you think it would be easy or were you just settling till something better came along because that is how it felt and looked. Did you think because others had done it before, that made it ok? 

I believe it takes REAL people to stand by someones side and it takes an even bigger person to stand by someone who is battling chronic illness. This goes for family, friends and lovers. So THANK YOU to those who chose to stay and fight with us. <3


I encourage some or all of you who are going through  very hard personal situations to write down how you feel and share it, you can even share it here on my site. Let others know they are not alone. We might all be spoonies but we all have different experiences that set us back. Just don’t stop fighting for YOU. Always get back up. A few weeks ago I had another health issue dumped on me and I felt suffocated, shit I wanted to get up and leave me…and I sat in that negative moment for a few days and then I got the FUCK up.

KNOW that it is OK to fall on your knees and scream at the sky…throw your fit and get back up. I am so tired of hearing about suicide in our community. But at the same time I get it.  I get it. This is a huge reason why I write, in hopes that someone maybe YOU wants to give up because you are tired of the pain, the Dr appts, the meds, the fatigue, people leaving, people not understand…..I want YOU to know YOU are NOT alone.

Having a chronic illness, autoimmune disease, cancer, depression etc it sucks and it IS hard but we can be STRONG and we CAN make a difference. I believe this Wholeheartedly. WE ARE WARRIORS

I think before I end this little Rant, I would like to say a few thank You’s...

Thank you Alisha for giving me an amazing Birthday gift that Will be so GOOD for my health….Thank you for being so selfless as I know you have your own battles…

Thank You Jaime for just listening, sometimes that is all I need and thanks for not just seeing me as sick. We should have Wild Cherries cookies everyday 😉 You are awesome!


Thank you coworkers for giving me another reason to go to work and always having my back….I am going to miss you SUPER LEAD……


Thank you Belle, Cheryl, Sabrina, Ellen, Tamyra and all the other Spoonies who help keep my chin up and remind ME, that I AM NOT alone!




We all know Rainbows appear when it rains… are my rainbow moments….

I recently became a Brand Ambassador for Wartorn Apparel. I love this company because they are Marine Corps Veteran Owned and Operated. If you get a chance, check them out @wartornapparel and use WTA-openkari for a discount.  Support America, Support our veterans!!!  Have a Happy 4th and Remember those who have and are fighting for our FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!

I am also working on another project, once we get further along, I will let everyone know the details…Just pray I get more energy to keep working on it.

What are you Rainbow moments? Whatever they are be PROUD of those moments, SHINE on SPOONIES! Keep pulling yourself UP, Inspire others and support each other!

XOXOXO  As always thank YOU for all the support <3

P.S. If you want to share your story, send me an email……











There is Always Hope

I have no idea how your week has been but mine has been crazy to say the least.

I have so much to say…so lets get started,

Last Friday, I woke up to my knees feeling like shit, usually they ache but do not cause me pain like I was feeling. I called the Dr however she was unable to see me till the following week.

Saturday I woke up nice and early because I had made previous plans to go on the Unionville Ride. I am glad I went but it took all i had and then some.

Once We got home, I went straight to sleep. Between the heat and the pain, i could take no more.

Sunday i went to work and quickly found a way to make the day go by fast….(with Alisha’s help)

After work I made enchiladas for my coworkers that were working on Monday..

I love to cook when my body allows me too!

Monday I went to work….YA 2 days in a row! #shieldmaiden 😉

By monday night my entire leg was killing me and all the blood vessels around my knee had blown..

I tried everything to make me comfortable but nothing was working, not even my K-tape.

It is nights like this i just want to run away….I know running away doesn’t do anything because my body comes along but i think you get what I mean. I feel so helpless. Nothing I do ever seems to be enough for my body.

Tuesday i woke up with more pain than i had the night before and i could barely walk. I laid all day in my recliner and cried, it was all l could do.  

I thought Tuesday was bad until Wednesday rolled around….my eyes were blurry most of the day and i kept ZERO food down. …

Now we are at TODAY….lets just say I should have stayed home. I got up feeling not so great but knew I had to eat. So i drove down to Einsteins for my Birthday bagel and Berry Lemonade. On my way home, i was pulled over for speeding….HA! I knew had an extra $200 in my pocket to burn….NOT………

After the fun filled 30min with the Police Officer, i headed off to the Dr. I sat in the waiting room for about 20min panicking about what I would soon learn. I knew today would be a day I would soon not forget, it always is when we go over blood work and other testing.  As the Dr was going over everything, I found myself disappearing into the background. At some point I just stopped listening because I could literately hear no more.  I just wanted to hit the escape button, i wanted to Stop playing whatever game this was. I kept thinking this IS NOT MY LIFE.  You have the wrong tests, I am sick enough, I do not need anything new. I really don’t.

I nodded to all her questions and then politely excused myself as I felt so overwhelmed especially when she said, “I can send you to Stanford, but they will not do much for you because there are not many meds that show any real improvement with this disease.”

I know this might sound funny but i go to the Dr for HELP but rarely do I get any real HELP. I understand they are human too and can only do what they can but I just thought since i can’t HELP myself that maybe someone who went to school to HELP others can HELP me….JUST ONCE….But instead I leave with a stack of Poison meds…I just don’t understand, i really don’t……I feel so lost and so helpless…There really is no  light at the end of the tunnel……….THIS IS HOW I FEEL IN THE MOMENT.

I am sure you are sitting there judging me but unless you are in MY shoes, please try not too.

Most of you know I try to be Positive as much as I can but with the month I have had and the 2 new diagnosis’s I truly feel lost.  Even with that said, i will never give up, i will forever fight up until my last breathe. I am not a sit in the corner and watch my life pass me by person, however I AM ALLOWED to fall apart occasionally, anyone going through this would.

Tomorrow IS my birthday which I like to CELEBRATE because in 2001 my Dr said i would not live past 7 years..So EVERY birthday means a whole lot to me. EveryDAY means a lot to me, EVERY SECOND means a lot to me. This is the very reason why I write and share how I am feeling so that it does not fester and waste anymore unnecessary time that I may or may not have. And I pray it helps others who are going through the exact/similar shit.  Just in the last month 2 people that were in one of the support groups i attend committed suicide. Suicide is not uncommon among the chronic pain/chronic illness community.  Every time  i hear that another one of us has taken their life, it breaks my heart and I am quickly reminded how i have to stay ahead of the beast, that could so easily take control.

Hugs and Prayers to all of us who are going through something tonight, it does’t have to be health shit, it can be anything…..we ALL go through things…..Life is NOT perfect for any of us…..But together WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE….Thanks for all your support <3





Big Things On The Horizon

I Do not know about all of YOU, but I am done with all this damn cold weather! It is about time we have some real SUNSHINE!! 

I have so much to say so please be patient……..

Before I even begin to fill you all  in on what is new….I would like to take a moment to talk about 2 things….

No matter what is going on in the country, we can’t get too caught up in what the MEDIA says or doesn’t say. We must always remember those who have and are fighting for our country. .

Because of those who sacrifice for us, we live in a FREE country…Lets keep it that way.  Also Guns DO NOT KILL people, People kill people. A gun is a tool, so STOP blaming the Gun.

P.S. I will not argue this opinion because it IS a fact! Just like Rules/Laws ONLY work on LAW ABIDING citizens…..

Secondly, I want to shout out to Sabrina…you know who you are girl. 😉 It is SO important to be able to share with others who are fighting the same battle.  Thanks for reaching out. Super excited to watch how our journey plays out. 

If you are reading my posts and are feeling alone, please do reach out. I am here to chat with or just lend an ear. Please know that you are NOT alone.

To my spoonie family…..i thought we all needed a giggle tonight…



OK, now let’s get you all caught up on what my ass has been doing or not doing since last weeks post.

June 8th (Thursday) I started the day off by going AGAIN to the Dr because the Metal taste/smell was still in full force. I also talked to my New friend Sabrina.

Friday was just a regular shit day not mentioning. Ha!

Saturday I crawled out of bed and went on a Hog chapter ride to Graeagle Ca. I was still not feeling well but I knew it was important to get OUT of the house!

Sunday it was back to work….as you can see….

Alisha and I were feeling a little FOXY..

and Micah and I were trying to figure out who actually was working 🙂

Monday was another Fun Filled work day…

Fun was had by all, we even watched the Alien movies..

But then it all ended with Shit meds…

I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom and in bed. I absolutely hate these days. (enter sad face here)

Tuesday and Wednesday were a complete blur. I spent 80% of my time in the bathroom. My pain was at an all time high and NOTHING was helping not even my pain pump. ugg

Which brings me to TODAY………………………………………………………………………………………………….



As of next week Monday June 19th, I will be STOPPING ALL POISON MEDS.  Now before you get all CRAZY on my ass, THIS IS MY LIFE. I know some of you will be understanding maybe even happy while others will say I am committing suicide…blah blah blah….. Here is why I AM DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO……

First off well its MY life NOT yours.  It may not be what you would choose, but again my life. Just in case you haven’t been following along these last few years…I have been doing chemo meds for 5 years EVERY FUCKING WEEK..lets add that up…that is 260 times I have had to put that shit in my body. I have been mixing it with my Biologic for 1 year. I AM DONE.

Secondly, My damn disease does ENOUGH to me without all the poisons they add to it. Do you know what my disease does to me BY ITSELF?! Lets take a look…..

Fatigue(this is different that being tired, read about it), discomfort all over the body, insomnia, hair loss, dry skin, being cold(raynauds), bruise easily, Rash’s, skin sensitivity, severe pain, swollen joints, dry painful eyes, swollen glands, excessive thirst, joint pain, morning stiffness(and not the fun kind), muscle weakness, muscle cramps and twitching, weight changes, abdominal pain, distended stomach, seizures around liver, anxiety and so much MORE….

If you really want to know more..Read all about Multiple Organ Ra, Nash, Gastroparesis,Raynauds and Ulcerative Colitis. These are ALL autoimmune diseases and are very miserable. There is NO CURE and more often than not Dr’s just hand out the “normal” meds they hope will help slow the progression of the diseases. These are all for the most part these meds fall into these categories: Immunosuppressant Drugs, which do just what you think they do, they slow and in some case STOP your IMMUNE system, Anti-inflammatory(self-explanatory,) and Disease Modifying meds(TNF blockers and Chemo drugs like Methotrexate.)

Thirdly Louise told me before she died, “One day you will choose quantity or quality of life.” She was also the same person that said, “do not be sad we are sick because one day we will be somewhere there is no pain or suffering.”-Thanks Louise

I am to the point that I choose quality over quantity. Life is so short as it is. I want to enjoy every moment my body allows me.  Some Mondays are really good until i take my meds and then I am down for days. I just do not want to do it anymore.

For those of you wondering what will happen when I stop treatment(if that is what you want to call it) here is what some say…

Healthy days article(2013)

“Rheumatoid arthritis “is a progressive disease, which, if left untreated, can significantly and permanently reduce joint function, patient mobility and quality of life,” study lead author Dr. Vibeke Strand, a clinical professor at Stanford University School of Medicine.”

Everyday Health (2017)

“If you’re not following your prescribed treatment plan, it can lead to flares that can cause joint damage to accumulate, Dr. Worthing says. “And once the damage is done, it is not likely to be repaired.”

Health Line article written by  Ashley Boynes-Shuck on November 20, 2015

“According to a study of nurses’ health by Brigham and Women’s Hospital (BWH), patients with RA have a significantly elevated risk of death, typically from disease complications related to cardiovascular or respiratory problems.”

Some of my Doctors believe this is completely dumb to stop meds because my RA and Ulcerative Colitis work well together destroying my body, left untreated, my legs will get worse and I will end up in a wheel chair sooner,  my joints, organs will struggle and eventually i will die due to some complication of the diseases.

With this ALL said let me just say this, I am Not doing this on a whim. I have been on these damn meds for 5 freaking years, 5!! In that time i have watched my cell death RISE regardless of what meds i was taking. Why on God’s Green earth would I continue to take something that is not doing much for me?!

On the other side(playing Devils advocate) what if these meds were slowing some progression of the disease that could not have been measured? Are you ready for what your disease might do in full effect? Meaning with nothing to STOP it?

In answer to that…..I am, I am as Ready as I was to take that first dose of chemo meds 5 years ago. Nothing in life is for sure. But what I do know is my life ON all these crap meds and they have got to GO. This is MY life.  Worse comes to worse, I can go back on them….but for now they are GONE..BUH BYE


So here is MY plan!

Last week, I bought  this amazing book.

I am going to be making a lot changes as far as diet, how i deal with stress etc. Everything affects our health!

I will still see a rheumatologist and an internist. I will still watch my cell death. I will still be scared.I will still be battling my disease BUT on my terms. I will still have my down days but they will be ONLY because of MY HEALTH, MY DISEASES not the crap meds!!!

I have no idea if any of this will help but at least while trying it, it will not hurt me. In the end I want to be able to say, i lived how I wanted. Just know that I am not the only one battling autoimmune diseases and stopping all man-made meds. Many people are trying new things. ***disclaimer*** this does not mean that i want to hear all about your oils, creams, reading material etc that you have tried. I do not mind you sharing but pushing me to do what YOU want is not welcome. I have already wasted 5 years doing what someone else wanted me to do. I have no idea what my future will bring BUT i do know it will be on MY terms. If I die sooner because i chose to live the way I wanted to then YA ME.

It doesn’t matter if we take all these poisons or try to take a more “healthy” route, we still have anxiety about our diseases. All those things I mentioned above will not JUST GO AWAY but i am praying that I find a better way to deal with them WITHOUT the poison meds. And like I said, I can always go back to the poison meds, it is not like they are going to go anywhere.

I will continue to Push myself to do what I can when I can. I will continue to NOT let my diseases DEFINE who I am.  A friend of mine recently reminded me to get out and travel more, he is so right, so I am planning on traveling more, i just have to work out the details. I plan on traveling where I know people so I do not waste money on hotels or time trying to  figure out what to see, etc  So if you want to see my ass, hit me up….

Finally, I pray that my choices do not hurt me more than the meds have been doing. I pray that my diseases do not progress so much that I can no longer do anything. If I am honest with myself, i know that my cell death will continue to rise and that my organs that are already affected will continue to get sicker and the ones that are not yet affected will be.  I will not lie and say that I am not afraid. But I know a lot more now that I did when i was diagnosed and I know that I am truly not alone….

Again this is MY life. My Truth. 

Now that I have just Blown your mind…..let me fill you in on some other stuff…

  1. I am looking for some better Dr’s and I do not care where they are located. So please be on the look out.
  2. I am currently working on a project but do not want to say too much about it yet. Just know i am super excited to be able to work with some great people and be able to hopefully continue to help/inspire others and maybe make some money.
  3. The Conway household as a whole is going through some changes and have some exciting news(exciting to us anyways) to share real soon……Stay tuned