Moving on..eyes forward

Moving on.. Is definitely easier said than done… But sometimes you just have to have faith that god has your back! You need to do what you need to do.
Being sick makes me feel weak sometimes and i do things based on how i feel physically a lot. Its frustrating that i have to lean on people because i cant physically / emotionally do something. I have learned that some people even though they want to care for me, they just cant. This hurts and drives me bananas but it is what it is and no matter how i feel. I have to keep moving on….truth is life takes no stops… It keeps going no matter what your going through.
I had to make a hard decision last week, i had to be unselfish and do whats best for others, even though its heartbreaking… some people cant move on from the past and thats OK…..everyone in the situation will be fine… Including me…sometimes the best things in life are the hardest things!
Due to my health i wrote a bucket list awhile back….and so far i have completed my main five goals……i found someone who loved me the way i love, i found my son, I’m talking to my mom, i made amends with my ex and i met one of my heroes!
Which i think is absolutely amazing because truth be told i am TiRED!!! Im ready for whatever is next in life..being in constant pain and discomfort 24/7 is awful and that is just one of the things we all go through when we are sick… Its a hard life! Anyways i will write more tomorrow about my feelings this week, some people don’t realize that just because we are sick… Life doesn’t still go on…. Like other stressers don’t exist and that pisses me off because being sick doesn’t give us a hall pass from all the other crap good / bad in life!
Thanks for reading… Sorry im babbling im real sick today and i am on more meds than ever

The cleansing rain

As i lay here…i can hear the rain as it hits the rooftops. The blowing of the tree limbs outside my window, comfort me.  i feel calm  as i listen to the thunder above the house. I have new meds on board and chemo to still take tomorrow…a higher dose of chemo, if i want to see if it will help. But i fear nothing can help me now but reality. The reality that man made meds will not help me. Reality that i must face the inevitable. It is my lungs and my neck now, it is doing what it must do. This is my fate. Fate what a small word with so much power.

It amazes me the things i think about when i am left alone to go through my trials in life. I used to feel on top of the world where no one could touch me besides my health. I thought that i had it all then in a blink of an eye that was gone too. It takes a really strong mentally and emotionally person to go through what i am. I thought i was those things but i still find myself dragging my feet. But i have faith…faith the right people will figure it out…and i will have the support and love i need….

A lot is going on with my life right now, so i have a lot to say, even if you the reader do not want to hear about it…i must say what my heart wants to share…..oh and to my devoted readers who email me all the time…i have good news….i am MEETING MY MOM in a few days…….What a miracle that day will be  HUGS people….and remember to love with everything you HAVE!!!

Love never fails

Love never fails, how i love to think of this phrase. Its so beautiful And easy to say…what fails is people… We fail when we don’t give our all. We fail when we throw in the towel and walk away. Our fears overcome us and it becomes easier to run, what we don’t realize is we losewhen we run. We lose when we push away.
Since i became sicker i see so many things more clearly… Life keeps going even after were like you have never loved… Life is way to short

Three little Bastard day

So this is what i call Fridays..this is the day i take my lovely chemo……..

My belly is absolutely killing me and i haven’t even taken my meds yet….i sure hope this is NOT a sign of how the weekend will be going! I can’t have a crap weekend, i have plans FOR ONCE!!! I do NOT remember the last time i actually made plans due to my health so i better be able to do what i want this weekend after all i deserve it!!! I need a mini vaca! Anyways i hope everyone has a good day….at least enjoy the weather! It is a roaring 104 today! Hot Damn! 😉 Well i better go and lay down for an hour before i have to take my “little bastards.” Hugs everyone! Chat with you all later!!
Ok so that did NOT work. I hate when i am so uncomfortable and nothing seems to work. Arrg

One day at a time

Hi Everyone! I am taking one day a time when it comes to this website! I should be completely up and running by August(so i hope). I hope everyone is doing well and remembering to tell those you love everyday how much you LOVE them! 😉 Life is short and tomorrow may never come… always let those you love know everyday!

So i chose to slowly cut down on the chemo…we have already lowered the dose(without the dr knowing) because he would go bananas!! This is my life and i want to take control of it again! If that means less time, then i am ok with that….i believe God has a bigger plan that i do for myself and to be honest…i feel tired and i feel that i have had 38 years of laughter, tears, pain, happiness, joy and complete madness :-P. Whatever time i have left, i will do my best to do what i need to do to make it great. Just saying that sounds funny as this disease is so painful that i cant really say it will be great but i will try to have a positive attitude(as much as one can have fighting this damn disease)

With that said i am going to be working on my bucket list which includes  raising the money to go to the holy land with TYRONE WELLS AND HIS FAMILY. I will be making some jars to pass out, so if anyone wants one to put up for me and collect pennies, i would be so ever grateful! Anything helps. It will be my first time out of the country and it includes 10 days of fun, a concert, walking in Jesus’s footsteps, snorkeling, swimming…..How amazing this will be if i am able to raise the money!

Just a few other notes:

It has been brought to my attention that bullying is STILL A HUGE issue in AMerica….WHY???? I find this so ridiculous! Just last week a student(i believe a 4th grader) from Nebraska committed suicide because he was being bullied!!! My heart goes out to his family! I hope all of us parents are raising our children to NOT BULLY and if they see it happening to do something about IT! It is NOT right to BULLY anyone at anytime! Please be aware of what is going on in our children’s  lives. Talk to your kids daily, you never know what is going on unless you ask, and if you see the signs….get help! No more lives need to be taken!!

Also i have seen that several people that i know are struggling with many life issues and think they need to die?! Are you serious??? Suicide is the easy way out, if you think you got it hard, stop by my house and you can visit for a few days and see someone who is FULL OF LIFE and i am being stripped of my future….please do not be selfish……Remember you are NOT alone….everyone has issues, suicide is NOT worth it. Trust me i think about it all the time, and my personal decision is when i can’t possibly do it anymore, i have in place a way out, but its not because i am selfish, it is because i am selfless…i will not put myself or my family through more than we deserve. I have a chronic disease, 3 of them to be exact but one of them is kicking my ass…someday i will be unable to do ANYTHING…and that will be when my life is no longer MINE….and the day that i will go HOME….anyways call me if you need someone….my ears are always ready to listen…..and sometimes that is all we need….someone to listen….


What is RA and Multiple Organ RA???

A bone joint is a meeting point of two or more bones. And our human body has several of them all over, with the small joints in the hand and foot and the larger joints located at the hip and knee. Just like other parts, they also get diseased sometimes. To date about 250 diseases have been recorded – the most dreaded among them being of course Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Rheumatoid Arthritis is an auto-immune disease and is a particularly crippling and painful disease. It can either be inherited from the parents or sparked off by virus or bacteria. Women risk a higher chance of contracting this disease than do men.
Rheumatoid arthritis affects approximately 1.3 million people in the United States. Worldwide 1-2% of the population suffers from rheumatoid arthritis. Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune illness in which the body’s own attacks its tissues. A particularly insidious disease, rheumatoid arthritis attacks not just the joints of the body but can affect all major organ systems as well. Rheumatoid arthritis appears to have a genetic component as well. Several members of the same family may be affected by the disorder. The cause of rheumatoid arthritis is not known. Although it can’t be definitively proven rheumatoid arthritis is felt to possibly be triggered by agents such as viruses, bacteria and fungi.
Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints. While inflammation of the tissue around the joints and inflammatory arthritis are characteristic features of rheumatoid arthritis, the disease can also cause inflammation and injury in other organs in the body. Autoimmune diseases are illnesses that occur when the body’s tissues are mistakenly attacked by their own immune system. The immune system contains a complex organization of cells and antibodies designed normally to “seek and destroy” invaders of the body, particularly infections. Patients with autoimmune diseases have antibodies in their blood that target their own body tissues, where they can be associated with inflammation. Because it can affect multiple other organs of the body, rheumatoid arthritis is referred to as a systemic illness.Since rheumatoid arthritis is a systemic disease, its inflammation can affect organs and areas of the body other than the joints. Inflammation of the glands of the eyes and mouth can cause dryness of these areas and is referred to as Sjögren’s syndromeDryness of the eyes can lead to corneal abrasion. Inflammation of the white parts of the eyes (the sclerae) is referred to as scleritis and can be very dangerous to the eye. Rheumatoid inflammation of the lung lining (pleuritis) causes chest pain with deep breathing, shortness of breath, or coughing. The lung tissue itself can also become inflamed, scarred, and sometimes nodules of inflammation (rheumatoid nodules) develop within the lungs. Inflammation of the tissue (pericardium) surrounding the heart, called pericarditis, can cause a chest pain that typically changes in intensity when lying down or leaning forward. Rheumatoid arthritis is associated with an increase risk for heart attack. Rheumatoid disease can reduce the number of red blood cells (anemia) and white blood cells. Decreased white cells can be associated with an enlarged spleen (referred to as Felty’s syndrome) and can increase the risk of infections. The risk of lymph gland cancer(lymphoma) is higher in patients with rheumatoid arthritis, especially in those with sustained active joint inflammation. Firm lumps under the skin (rheumatoid nodules) can occur around the elbows and fingers where there is frequent pressure. Even though these nodules usually do not cause symptoms, occasionally they can become infected. Nerves can become pinched in the wrists to cause carpal tunnel syndrome. A rare, serious complication, usually with longstanding rheumatoid disease, is blood vessel inflammation (vasculitis). Vasculitis can impair blood supply to tissues and lead to tissue death (necrosis). This is most often initially visible as tiny black areas around the nail beds or as leg ulcers.
The symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis can vary greatly from person to person. Common symptoms may include, fatigue, loss of energy, loss of appetite, joint aches and stiffness. In rheumatoid arthritis the symptoms are usually symmetrical meaning they occur on both sides of the body equally. The small joints of the hand writs and feet are common sites of the disease and can cause disability in walking and common activities of daily living such as dressing. Over time joint deformity can occur and is noticeable in the nodules and boney growth of fingers and toes. Destruction of the joints and atrophy of the surrounding muscles can occur.
Inflammation it causes can affect all major organs. The heart muscle, valves and vessels can be affected causing a number of disorders including pericarditis an inflammation of the lining of the heart, myocarditis an inflammation of the heart muscle itself or vasculitis an inflammation of the blood vessels and coronary artery disease. The spleen can be enlarged by inflammation and cause risk of rupture. It may also affect the lining of the lungs causing pleurisy and even the eyes can be affected.
Diagnosis is based on the pattern of symptoms, blood work results, and x-rays. Your doctor will probably perform a sed rate and many other blood tests. Regular x-rays will help follow the disease progression and assist in deciding the next course of treatment.
Treatment for rheumatoid arthritis is aimed at decreasing symptoms, disability, and joint and organ damage. Treatment can include use of cold and heat modalities, splints and orthotic devices to support the joints, water aerobic type exercise, steroid and other anti- inflammatory medications and dietary changes.
Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic disease whose symptoms vary widely and tend to wax and wane. While there is no cure, treatment can decrease symptoms and improve quality of life in most cases.


July 16th Tuesday!!

Yes I know it’s taking me a lot longer to get this all up and running. I find that everyday is unknown and somedays I can only do what I can, fighting these diseases is exhausting! Off to eat!
Ok so I am back belly upset now because of course I was hungry and ate something I know I can’t have (bread) and had it anyways… Bad me bad me!! 🙂
Anyways it has been one of those weeks already where I just feel odd and frustrated. Frustrated that I don’t get the help I need or want and frustrated that life lately has made me sad and miserable. They say life is what you make it but I don’t think that is always true…I didn’t make my self sick and trust me if I could be sick and happy about it I would..but their is no way to be happy about being sick! That almost sounds funny.. Anyways I am off to bed I think..I hope if you love someone your cuddles next to them right now!!! Infiniti…Kari

Worth more!

I really really try to get people to be here for me but i should not have to beg, I am worth more than that PERIOD! I am going to try to be more proactive about my life and who is in it. I am tired of being hurt, life is way too short and I just like everyone else in this world deserve the best! I am somebody! I may journal more today as I really have a lot to say, it’s time I speak up!

Wrong turns

Sometimes we get so caught up in the everyday life and all that it entails…that we forget to love the ones around us. So please tell the ones you love every moment…you never know what they may be feeling… Are you doing your part of the relationship?! Are you being a great pArtner, friend and of parent??!
I have been thinking about taking wrong turns lately and how when we do how it changes our outcome of the day and or life. Do we even know subconsciously that we are doing it?! Do those of that are sick do we take more “wrong” turns than the rest of us? Because we are weaker or feel weaker and therefore can think straight and of just settle?! Do we run when things get tough because we don’t know where to turn to safety? I often wonder about these things. I feel lost more than not in this life… I feel I take more wrong turns than I do anything else. I want to run to where I feel safe but nowhere feels safe. If I wasn’t chronic or terminal would I feel safe? Would I run?

Say anything!

So this week was a little emotional for me! I lost a few friends.. Well they didn’t get lost, they chose another path, which I hope the best for them.
I also spent some time with a special ex of mine who lets me speak my mind and SAY ANYTHING!! It was good to have some time and catch up and get some closure, I think we both needed. This person means a whole lot to me and I am a better person for knowing him! Their are many lessons one can teach us!
I am off to bed now, I am exhausted! Infiniti x Infiniti!