What do you say when someone asks whats wrong, when nothing feels right?! How do you even begin to share your deepest darkest feelings about what you are going through when you know they are not really listening to you?!
How do you explain pain that you barely understand yourself? How do you get through the night when your lungs feel full of cotton candy, your liver feels full of rocks, your kidneys full of sand, an elephant on your chest and blades in your belly?! And that is barely touching the surface of your pain.

Not playing games

So i thought i would take a moment to address a few things.. First off i wish for people to stand on their own two feet and STOP listening to others or do what others want you to do… Grow a spine! The only one your hurting is yourself… Life is way to short so i thought i would take this moment to remind those of you who still don’t get it!! Move on, today may be your last! There is no room in life for revenge or hate…so love someone today

Still kicking and Screaming

I know i have not been on here much, but fighting this dang disease is rough!
I also have been busy getting other things in order…i find the more in “order” i am the more smoothly things go!
I have been getting a lot of emails on what i have been up to..well besides doing chemo and the normal sick stuff,i have been going to a criminal justice class, i have working on my firearms stuff(some competition shooting is in my future and i cant wait) and i will have my CCW soon!!!! I have also been finalizing some old stuff…i finally gave myself a gift…the gift of more financial freedom by getting rid of things i either do not need anymore or cant afford. I am hoping that this will be a good thing for me…then i went out and bought myself a new car(And my name is actually on it!!) and its more affordable..not the cheapest car but more affordable and its definitely more my size!! I will give you a hint on what i bought(the Italians are coming… ;-))
Anyways during this process i was thinking about how we all get so caught up on the things we have or do not have… tell you the truth….in the end it does NOT matter what we have…as far as material things…..what does matter is the love that we surround our selves with. When i am taking my final breathe, it is not going to matter what i drove, or where i lived,where i have been…what will matter is who is there with ME in that last moment….
I will write more later this week…..Sweet dreams
Anyways hugs to you all and as always…love you times infiniti!!!

Moving on is Hard ;-( Being terminally sick is even harder

So here it is the month of Sept! Wow can not believe how fast the year is moving right along, no matter how i feel…. 😉   Anyways i have been really busy making a lot of decisions lately….some health and some not health..but both have the power to affect my days. I have decided to see the specialist next week about the surgery but i am reluctant to follow what he is going to say because last time i put faith into a dr, he failed me and i became paralyzed in my stomach….so why on gods green earth would i allow them now to cut into my neck??? But i am going to at least hear him out….i owe myself at least that much…because if i don’t at least consider this surgery…i will eventually stop breathing…..but i am TERRIFIED. And exhausted from being terrified…and i really wish i had the support i dream about…..but i must do with what i have and be happy that things could always be worse…i could NOT wake up tomorrow……Or would that be a blessing????  I dont know anymore

And then their are personal things that i am still dealing with! I had a great week at my moms in New Mexico and i got to see THREE states that i have never been too…so that was great(not to mention, new mexico is where most of our military is….OH MY GOODNESS was i in heaven….talk about thousands of men everywhere in military BDU’S……) and i got to be around my missing link(my mom) and get to know the person that she has become. I cant tell you all how awesome it is getting to know my mom…..its a blessing and i hope it continues to be one!

I also had to take a long hard look at my finances…,my health is sucking every dime i have out of me and therefore i have to choose what is important to me and let go of all unnecessary things…even though i am sad to let go of them…. ;-(

Anyways i am hanging in there…i am doing what i can to make it yet another day…..i hope you all know…whether you leave comments or send me private messages…i know you all care and i love you all so much for any support you offer…its nice to be cared about………Here is a new photo from new mexico…i think the hot hot sun is good for me…..kari2013augkari201321