Tick Tock

Hi everyone! I hope this post finds you all well! I was planning on answering more emails but today it was brought to my attention that something i planned years ago that was very dear to my heart has now been used for something other than what i had intended it for. I know it probably means nothing to any of you, but it was something that gave me hope years ago and with all my spare time, i worked on this project, it was going to be something so amazing and special. I had hoped one day to be able to use this project but now that someone has swiped it from under my feet, i feel so hurt and used. And then i just start feeling sorry for myself and i get down…i hate how meds can double your feelings. You know i was never so emotional till i started chemo, and now i just feel like a boob. The project i am talking about, i should just be happy that someone loved it as much as i did, and that is why he used it. Maybe in some sick odd way he used it in remembrance of us, idk. So instead of being thrilled and glad that the project got used and my work did not go un noticed, i got mad and hurt and i felt betrayed. I am talking about this here, because i think when we all go through stuff whether it be health or family or whatever, we all look at stuff with one set of eyes. And i really think that when we are sick, terminal or not, due to us being in “fear” mode all the time we see things different. So i am really right this second trying to see this as something good, someone took something (my ideas and dreams) and did something with them. I should be flattered and happy, not mad and hurt.
I highly recommend people who are going through stuff to write, its amazing how when i write, i start to see things differently. Im sick and im terminal, there is no getting away from that. The sooner i start to realize this, the sooner i think i will start doing things i need and want to do. Because what happened tonight, made me realize that i am wasting away, letting others take my dreams and hopes. I do not know what time i have left, but do any of us? I have a bucket list that i am going to start doing…i am going to start knocking the list OUT…times a wasting!
I had a great ear tonight that reminded me that i am KARI(like that meant something) but what he was trying to say is that i am a strong, intelligent, sweet(when i want to be), loving, beautiful, sexy lady and that he has never known me to back down. He is right, i lay here all the time, watching the clock go tick tock tick tock…and when the buzzer buzzes, i take another pill,and lay back down, and watch the clock tick tock…..tick tock.WHY..BECAUSE THIS IS MY REALITY…..i feel dead already…I can talk all i want about what i want to do on my bucket list, but the truth is i can barely get out bed most days and when i do, it is for a few hours….and then if i really get ambitious and have a little energy..i have no money to go anywhere…so i go back to bed and watch the clock…

Caught up in all this “life” stuff

Lately i can barely do anything..it hurts to do anything…driving, riding, walking..you name it..IT HURTS! I find this so frustrating. It is so hard to be positive, even with all the emails of encouragement that i get, its still so hard to keep going. Even when people that are physically in my life telling me they are here for me..it still doesnt help much…and let me tell you why…
I find that a lot of people just say what they think we want to hear…and others just say it out of pitty…it is a very small percentage that actually mean it but even when they say it..its just to comfort us…but words are NOT much comfort….

I really miss the “actions” of some people that i have had in my life because they truly had my best interest at heart. They showed me how much i meant to them and how they would move the moon if i needed it moved. Those types of people are rare…but even with them..my constant pain and discomfort is always here…i do NOT even remember when the last time i felt ZERO pain…it has been years..so long ago i really honestly do not remember. And do not take what i say wrong..i am appreciate of you who send in encouraging notes and those of you who tell me in person. I am not mean hear-ted and i get that you are trying to be kind and trust me if kindness healed i would be CURED!

I got a reminder the other day that life is short..and of course i know that but this reminder was blunt. I lost someone that i had been close to. Someone who made me feel beautiful and special. I can honestly say that a lot of people think i am beautiful inside and out but only a handful actually truly made me feel that way…so i want to acknowledge this person right now and tell Him that i hope he is watching over me……I will not only remember the bad times but the good times too.. you helped me get through one of the hardest times in my life….and i am glad that you are in a safer place with God*Hugs*

I also want to answer another email that i received yesterday…
Will life always be scary now that we are sick? Will God put people in our lives to help us get through this time?

Well this is similar to the email i answered the other day…so be sure to check out last weeks post..
It is scary, at least for me…i will never really feel safe again…every time i think i am safe again, someone rips the rug from under my feet and again i find myself trying to find a safe place to lay my head. But “feeling” safe i think is different for everyone. To me, it is feeling like i 100% belong somewhere and that i can really be myself(happy, sad, bitchy, sick, miserable, in love etc) and for me this hard because every time i “jump” someone fills my head with crap and i trust them. I have learned over the years to not be so trusting…after Tim, i was completely exhausted..everything i believed and trusted in got blown to smithereens..i know i have not talked much about Tim but I will…and all the others who i feel have helped shape me into who i am today. Trust and feeling safe go hand in hand for ME..i am not sure if it that is the same for everyone…But if you are anything like me..this is my advice…Dont jump in completely..with anything, Lovers, doctors, teachers etc….test the waters and see what happens…if you are not happy or getting what you need..then its time for a change….for example i have goals even though i am dying..i have goals and if the people i am with now, do not have the same goals then i will make changes in my life..because i want what i want and i want to be happy..everyone should be able to be happy….and that’s it…i know what i deserve. It is true what they say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side but its also true that if the grass on the side you are on isn’t watered it will Die…..people are always out to get what makes them happy…whatever that is…so make sure you are doing the same….. food for thought
As far as God putting people on your path..i believe so BUT you have to have your eyes open to this…i was blinded a few years ago and i did NOT see what God gave me..So live your life with OPEN eyes…Love those who TRULY LOVE YOU and would DO ANYTHING FOR YOU…If you have to ask if your loved…you already know the answer…….
Once again thanks for the continued Loved


Answer to email

Hi everyone, i know i have been busy not feeling well and such but i am grateful for all the notes and love i get. Lately a lot has been on my mind.. I am real tired of being tired, tired and more tired. I do not like chemo and i am super frustrated with the pain i have 24/7.
Life just seems to be slipping from my hands and i feel so lost at times but i am here to help not only myself but others..with that said here is some answers to some of the questions i have been receiving..
1. Do i ever feel cheated by people because i am sick? Sometimes Yes, because i see what others have whether it be Love, materialistic stuff or shoulders to cry on…i have unfortunately watched a lot of people leave my life because they simply could not deal with my health…that was tough on me. But on a positive note, i just have to always keep myself in check on what i have even if it isn’t exactly what i want.
2. Do you ever find yourself living in the past because you are afraid what is in your future?
Good question..i personally have mixed feelings on this because sometimes its ok to go back to the past if you are not staying there…meaning maybe you left something there and need to bring it into your present/future…i have found myself in the past a few times and its just a lot of darkness and sadness. The past is your past for a reason…i am not saying that you cant change things in the past, because you possibly can, just do not get stuck there….and remember there are consequences for everything you do..like for me, i went back to someone in my past and now i have to deal with family who are rude and think its their business to get involved and or treat you poorly, i have to see things that i do not want to see, i have to see what others had that i didn’t have,i have to hear about stuff i really do not care about, i have to deal with the way people change or do not change…etc….and vice versa…
so in conclusion think before you leap…and ask yourself if walking back through your past is what you really want to do…True it might seem easier because your sick and you just cant take the chance of trying something new Because i did that too..and it was great in the beginning..i had everything, a hot guy, everything i could ever want, i was treated like a queen but when it came to my health things were rocky…people get scared even if they think they can do it with ya….but sometimes even when we think we are strong we are weak….i say this because the person i am talking about feels like crap now and knows what he had…but let fear get in the way….So as you can see..it doesnt matter if you walk backwards or forwards…people will always be afraid of watching us be sick and or die…so take care of YOU first….Let God do the rest…he will bring those into our lives who are meant to be and show the others the road to where they belong….

I appreciate all the questions and i hope to get to more soon…i am exhausted and do not feel the greatest but i love being able to be hear for others…hang in there…love you all time infiniti….

A great BIG thank YOU

Today i got an AMAZING surprise! A surprise from someone who i think is super special and who’s music is a BIG blessing in my life…..Tyrone Wells.
I know most of you already know of Tyrone Wells because i talk about him and his music a lot, with that said…i have been following him and his career for about 7 years. Anytime he is anywhere close to Reno NV, i drive to see him. His music keeps me positive on days, i do not think i will ever get through. And on good days, he just makes it better. 🙂 He is an amazing down to earth person. I could go on and on about Tyrone and his music… but to sum it up….He is an inspiration to me and i am in awe of what he and his wife Elina do to make this world a better place!
Ok ok back to my surprise because i am sure you are all dying to know…..Tyrone has been doing these VIP acoustic concerts in Santa Barbara at Sunstone Vineyards, but due to money and health issues, i have never been able to go……BUT Guess who is going next week (REGARDLESS OF HOW SICK I AM) to this years CONCERT thanks to Tyrone’s generosity?! Thanks Tyrone..You have no idea how excited i am! Tonight i cried NOT because i was in pain from my health but because you gave me something to look forward too! God Bless YOU, ANGELS TRULY EXIST IN THIS WORLD!
For those of you who want to know why i am so excited, click on the video below, it is a short video on last years concert. And please say a prayer, so that i am healthy enough to go next week…. Thanks again Tyrone…..