Trying to keep the hope…

This weekend has been one of the hardest weekends i have ever been through. Taking more Chemo meds than usual was AWFUL. At times i thought i was going to die. Between the pain, the panic attacks, headaches, the all over flu feeling and the frustration of it all it was terrible. I just felt so awful and what stinks is the fact that i get to do this every Friday now(this higher dose). And to tell you the truth i just want to run away. I want to hide. I know this all sounds crazy because we all know i can’t hide from my disease but i WANT to!!!

Today i went to the store to get some meds and while i was there i watched all these families holiday shopping, laughing and drinking their Starbucks and i couldn’t help feel even more depressed than before. How can all of you be so damn happy when i am fighting EVERYDAY to stay alive. WHY do you get to enjoy today? Why do you have loved ones around? WHY WHY WHY??? Not that i wish this disease upon anyone, I just HOPE they know what they have, i hope they DO NOT take this day for granted. I know i may sound selfish or mean but this is how i feel and if i do not say what i feel, it will fester inside me. I hate this disease, yes i said it I HATE this disease and YES it makes me sad and mad. It is a miserable disease..MY OWN CELLS are killing me! My own body is KILLING me. I can’t get away from this! I WANT a happy holiday with friends and loved ones with OUT MEDS, without bed-rest, with out this damn disease!!!

I can’t tell you all how much i cry and pray for this all to go away. What really makes me mad on days like today when i am frustrated, is that i told people years ago something was wrong with me but each time they would blame it on another health issue i have. This used to and still does upset me because i feel if people would have listened to me earlier we could have started treatment much earlier. As it is now my numbers are at a CRITICAL level as the Dr says and i blame other Dr’s here in Nevada for NOT listening and for Tim my support person at the time not taking me more seriously and really putting up a fight for me. It is tough when we KNOW our bodies and we know that something is wrong but no one is listening especially ER Dr’s, the love to treat and street.
I just feel like i am losing all Hope. There is no cure for me, there is only Yucky poison meds that make me sicker and a shortened life.
Trust me i try to be positive but when i live 80% of my life in a bed and 100% of my time on meds it is tough to be cheerful, happy and positive and still think this there is a reason for everything. This is a hard life and i know everyone has their own personal hardships but mine is physical and there is no OUT. I will die with this disease.

I pray that while you read this post of mine today that you hold close everything you love and that you take little or nothing for granted because it can be gone in a moment! As ususal i am grateful for all the prayers and love sent my way! If you need to contact me please do so at I will get back to you as soon as i can! Infiniti love

Happy Thanksgiving weekend!

I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. I am doing my best to keep everyone updated although lately it has been rough. Here is the latest on my health and all that…… Yesterday we finally got confirmation on what we already knew….unfortunately my original Dr was correct on his diagnosis.It is almost funny how when you have more than one Dr on your case, they kinda have this “i am better than you” attitude and then fight back and forth on who is going to be in control of the treatments etc. Meanwhile i am suffering and they are leaving me hanging while they battle it out. I wonder if they would be what i call wasting time if it was one of their family members battling this crippling disease? Anyways, its just been one of those months where i want to hide away and disappear into the night. I am so tired of meds, tired of this disease that seems to be taking all i love from me. My entire life has changed with a blink of an eye and it has been a very scary ride…like a scary roller coaster that has ZERO end. It has been almost 2 years since i have been diagnosed and i am honestly still trying to find a way to be ok with it, be ok with a lesser life, a life run on meds every few hours, a life of being bed ridden, a life not knowing how long i will be walking, holding things etc. Its hard to admit to myself that this is my life now. Sometimes i tell myself, you will make these plans and you will do them, then the day of the plans happens, and i find myself so sick and in so much pain that i cant even move. This is what depresses me! I can’t plan anything anymore and it sucks! So much of this disease is scary and frightening. My Dr worries me when he says no one that he has seen has the high numbers i have, in fact he calls them critical high. Critical high, what the hell does that mean??? I hear Death soon, no hope, lots of poison meds, pain, destruction etc. I am sometimes so afraid i pray for God to just take me now because i do NOT feel strong enough to keep going.
With all that said due to my critical numbers we will be doubling the meds starting this Friday. I am completely terrified and scared about not only what my disease will do but what the effects of doubling these poison meds will do to my body. Please put me in your prayers and as always i love hearing back from my readers and getting all your love! Remember life is short…spend your time loving and forgiving, nothing is worth being angry or hating UNLESS of course you want what my body is fighting 🙂

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