This weekend has been one of the hardest weekends i have ever been through. Taking more Chemo meds than usual was AWFUL. At times i thought i was going to die. Between the pain, the panic attacks, headaches, the all over flu feeling and the frustration of it all it was terrible. I just felt so awful and what stinks is the fact that i get to do this every Friday now(this higher dose). And to tell you the truth i just want to run away. I want to hide. I know this all sounds crazy because we all know i can’t hide from my disease but i WANT to!!!
Today i went to the store to get some meds and while i was there i watched all these families holiday shopping, laughing and drinking their Starbucks and i couldn’t help feel even more depressed than before. How can all of you be so damn happy when i am fighting EVERYDAY to stay alive. WHY do you get to enjoy today? Why do you have loved ones around? WHY WHY WHY??? Not that i wish this disease upon anyone, I just HOPE they know what they have, i hope they DO NOT take this day for granted. I know i may sound selfish or mean but this is how i feel and if i do not say what i feel, it will fester inside me. I hate this disease, yes i said it I HATE this disease and YES it makes me sad and mad. It is a miserable disease..MY OWN CELLS are killing me! My own body is KILLING me. I can’t get away from this! I WANT a happy holiday with friends and loved ones with OUT MEDS, without bed-rest, with out this damn disease!!!
I can’t tell you all how much i cry and pray for this all to go away. What really makes me mad on days like today when i am frustrated, is that i told people years ago something was wrong with me but each time they would blame it on another health issue i have. This used to and still does upset me because i feel if people would have listened to me earlier we could have started treatment much earlier. As it is now my numbers are at a CRITICAL level as the Dr says and i blame other Dr’s here in Nevada for NOT listening and for Tim my support person at the time not taking me more seriously and really putting up a fight for me. It is tough when we KNOW our bodies and we know that something is wrong but no one is listening especially ER Dr’s, the love to treat and street.
I just feel like i am losing all Hope. There is no cure for me, there is only Yucky poison meds that make me sicker and a shortened life.
Trust me i try to be positive but when i live 80% of my life in a bed and 100% of my time on meds it is tough to be cheerful, happy and positive and still think this there is a reason for everything. This is a hard life and i know everyone has their own personal hardships but mine is physical and there is no OUT. I will die with this disease.
I pray that while you read this post of mine today that you hold close everything you love and that you take little or nothing for granted because it can be gone in a moment! As ususal i am grateful for all the prayers and love sent my way! If you need to contact me please do so at firstname.lastname@example.org I will get back to you as soon as i can! Infiniti love