Blessings and a million other thoughts

Hi! I hope this all finds you well..I thought i would take this moment to Open my heart and share a few blessings and other things that have been on my heart this past week. When i first decided that this blog would be about my blessings, the blessings that came to my mind where ones i didn’t see as a blessing at the time. Funny how time changes things, or how you grow and understand things more than your previously did. And on the other side of that some things you think are a blessing end up not being one….so my advice is NEVER EVER EVER Follow YOUR HEART! Really think about your actions, there is always consequences for everything we do. Since my terminal diagnosis, i have had a lot of time to think and looking back at some of my decisions, I JUST want to KICK my ASS. I came from parents who NEVER showed me how to love or who to love(if that makes sense) so i always felt lost and honestly i settled a lot trying to make my dad proud or honestly just NOTICE me. Like i wasted more of my life trying to get my dads approval than make me a life. It is hard coming from a broken home especially when they are on both ends of the spectrum and me being the only child my parents had, i just never fit in as both of my parents began having more children with other partners. So my basic skills my parents rubbed off on me are running when things get tough, building walls so people can’t touch my heart,trust no one,hurting you before you hurt me, did i say running when things get tough.. 😉 hiding my real feelings and just telling you what you want to hear, having a standby plan, and pushing people far away because if you don’t REALLY know me, you can’t hurt me. And let me tell you trying to grow out of these habits is HARD! I know no one parent is perfect but boy did i get a not so great deck of cards. LOL I think what is important now though is that i am NOT my parents, and even though i still struggle with some of their habits i know i am a great person and most importantly God loves me! God doesn’t go out of his way to hurt me, or make me feel so low. That is something else i never had growing up, God. God was not good in either household But as i grew up and had no one to help me through hard times, God was there with me, there is no other way i can explain the things i have survived with out saying that. While on this quick subject i just want to say this, it hurts me when i hear people blame God for my terminal disease, Please Do not do this, you hurt ME when you say it. Keep those comments to yourself. I have Faith and i am not angry with God and i don’t want you to be either. God has a bigger plan for me than i do for myself. 🙂 🙂 Which i am HAPPY about because i had 40 years at it and i found a lot of misery, pain, anger and disappointment when i tried it my way.
You know before i get into these blessings of mine, i just want to say when you have a good partner in life, a good person who holds your hand through the good and the bad and NEVER lets go..Keep them. Talk softly to each other, never go to bed angry, do not take them for granted and when your having a tough day remember the first time you saw them and i guarantee you will crack a smile at the very least and that little issue you had a few minutes ago will be gone. Sometimes we forget the little moments and we focus on all the bad. I know i am guilty of this, sometimes it easier to go to the negative side of things because we get fed up of something or we are tired of not being heard or feel left out or whatever it is that upset us.
Just a side note(yea yea so i like side notes and going off topic) as i write this the song that inspires my feelings is “Something in the water” By Carrie Underwood! What a POWERFUL song!
Ok back My blessings.
First off my kids NO MATTER what are two of my blessings. Nothing will EVER change that. I LOVE them UNCONDITIONALLY!! My birth parents taught me how NOT to LOVE, so thanks to them,i make sure i do the exact opposite. When you can take a positive from a negative, it is sometimes the greatest gift you can GIVE yourself! 😉
Speaking of my kids, my son in particular As most of you know my son was kidnapped for 16 years so i missed out on being a mother to him and due to that i have always had this HUGE hole in my heart… Now i am not saying that once i found my son, my heart didn’t heal some, but by the time we found him he was almost an adult so that child that i missed out on i can NEVER get back.Time was stolen from both of us so i was still unfortunately left a little empty that was until i met a little angel named Colton. I should have known that this little boy was special from the time i met his dad. Just for a moment let me explain…..I met Colton’s dad in Truckee California and it was an instant connection. You see i am an open book but when it comes to real stuff i keep it close to me, and that day i met his dad, i opened wide…i poured my heart out about my life the good and the bad, like i had known him forever. I knew then Good things were going to happen after that day…you see I believe God puts people on our path for a reason and although i didn’t know this man well, i wholly trusted him. Then about a month later i met his little guy colton and my heart melted instantly. We became so close and my favorite saying from this little guy to this day is still. “Kari i will not let you die”. I am so amazed at what children do and say. Who would NOT love an amazing child such as this? Long story short Coltons Father and my path went off course and i lost a lot, i lost a huge part of my heart. But sometimes adults do dumb selfish things and do not think about anyone but ourselves and in the process hurt others around us.(sometimes this takes awhile to see BUT when you do see it, you have learned a Great lesson) My heart still cries for this boy for reasons that i can’t talk about here and he is forever in my prayers and i hope to see him again whether here on earth or in Heaven. For this reason and more Colton and his father are a huge part of my blessings.

Friends Old and New who have and continue to carry me through this life that has forever been changed due to health. I could sit here and name several people but you all know who you are! The people who go out of there way to do things for me outside FACEBOOK. I am so grateful for you all. I must pat myself on my back for picking the friends i have, i did way better with that than picking life partners…(roll around laughing i know you want too) What a blessing many of you have been to me!

Sierra View Baptist Church, hmmm where do i even begin. well i guess with the Ruby’s who so lovingly gave me a brochure. :-)All silliness aside, I am inspired by everyone who attends and because of the pastor and his family i am inspired to be a better version of ME and draw closer to our God. This place is my second home and i truly feel safe to be Me and share who i really am, with no mask. This place is one of my BIGGEST blessings!

Beautiful Music talents such as Tyrone Wells I am definitely blessed to know and have the ears to listen! Both Tyrone and Elina know how much they mean to me! I am still super overjoyed to be on that visit with them last October….One of the greatest times of MY LIFE!!! 😉 I thank you everyday Tyrone for that moment with you both and for your voice that carries me through bad days! Blessing for sure!!!

49ers…keep me jumping and screaming(sometimes throwing stuff) But a blessing nonetheless ;-)Gotta love me some football

My right to carry! Love my Guns and my Country! It is a blessing to have my CCW and to now know some awesome Gun instructors/friends

My health, now this one is HARD but i have to see it as a blessing because it would destroy me more than i think it already does, if i did not see it as one. Being terminal reminds you to LIVE, even if it only gives you a moment to do so! I no longer taking walking, holding things, spending time with loved ones, loving really loving something for granted. I see life with NEW OPEN eyes. And every day God gives me, i will continue to do so the best i can. I will leave this blessing with some wise words written by Kenzi(she suffers from my disease also) “I never know when or where God will use me to raise awareness for this disease and if I’m being completely honest, there are a plethora of days that I complain, cry, and absolutely HATE it. The calling, the purpose, the questions, the funny looks, the pain. There are days that I plead with God to just take it all away. But sometimes, for a brief moment in the midst of wonderful opportunities such as these, I realize I am glad. Thankful even, that He chose me to do this work.”

I have a few other blessings in my life but are private and dear to my heart,maybe someday i will be able to share the rest but for now its back to Bed……Health doesn’t allow for much blog time 😉
I hope you all count your blessings, small and large! Love you all times infiniti!!!

Wednesday thoughts

I am unsure if any of you watch the show on ABC called “Chasing Life” but it is a great show and it explains a lot of what i go through pretty well. Tonight’s episode the main girl fighting cancer is told over and over by her grandpa to be strong so she can fight this and she finally tells him..”the way you talk to me about being sick and fighting this, it puts a lot of pressure on me like i have to be strong all the time and if i am not then i have failed.”
I LOVED it, because it is how i feel a lot especially when those around me are always telling me to be strong and or say things like..see how strong you are…..you are doing this! It is a lot of pressure when you feel that everyone is looking up to you and expecting you to get through this.
You know maybe a part of all of this mess is that i am supposed to give others hope through my trials. I truly believe that their is always a reason for everything, we just may not always know what that reason is right away. And i know when people tell me to be strong they mean well and i need to just take their positive words and or encouragement for what they are. Because to tell you all the truth, i do not feel strong, i feel weak, i feel parts of me have been destroyed. I feel vulnerable, i feel scared, i do not feel strong. As i say these things i do realize that sometimes we do not see everything about our selves and sometimes it takes others to tell us what they see in order for us to see what is inside of our selves.