February

Welcome to February! I hope everyone had a great January.
Health news is as follows, i decided to STOP chemo meds earlier than preciously mentioned, my last meds were taken on January 23rd. Most of you probably already knew this information due to the video i made on my Facebook.
Either way you all know now. A few of you have many questions and concerns and i will do my best to try and answer them. All week i will be putting up information on what happens off treatment and such. Trust me i am scared and not having family around is even scarier but those of you who know me, know i am strong and i will figure this out one way or another. I have received a few emails already asking me what my plans are, what have i been told about stopping treatment, if i die soon am i happy with the life i have led or would i do things differently if i could go back and finally how are others responding to my decision.

First off great questions!

1.My plans are to do some traveling health allowing. I already made a list of places i would like to go. People/places i want to see etc! This week i will be adding a TRAVEL page to my site so i can share photos with you all! Photography has become my main hobby and something i can still do!

2. Stopping treatments means i will die much sooner. I will become more handicapped/deformed possibly and my organs starting with my kidneys will fail. I have been told after kidneys the heart goes. As for how much time i have there is no right/wrong answer. I have read months to maybe a year..everybody’s body is different!
But PLEASE remember i could get hit by a bus tomorrow…my beliefs are GOD will take us when its our time. Don’t worry though i am afraid just like those of you who are.

3.Have i lived a happy life? To be honest i have had a rough life. ***For a moment lets gets personal……. I had Parents who were not parents, a few empty relationships i stayed in way to long because i thought if they loved me things would get better & maybe just maybe eventually they would love me the way i love them. Men who just saw me as something other than their future. I am also a domestic violence (when the cops find you in a pool of blood & think your dead) Survivor and i have had Many health issues(18 serious surgeries, over 200 lap surgeries)leading up to the final beast that is going to kill me *Multiple Organ Ra.* I have truly lived an interesting life but now i want to live for ME as much as i can.
One of you asked about going back to change things in my life if i could, the answer is NO. I Wouldn’t change anything (even the suffering & pain) because i am who i am because of all these trials.

4. The last question i think is the hardest and most painful to answer because many people have used my health as an excuse to run(i recently was asked to write a post about this & my experience because its more common than you think, i will begin this post within the next few weeks; in the meantime if you have also experienced this just know your not alone & i am here to listen)…so by choosing to stop treatments is in a way for ME to run per say;But i am running to a place where there is no more pain or heartache as the song goes. i know without a doubt i have been a fool wasting my life on others(following my heart) when i could have been enjoying my life with people who really care. What i mean by this is i have given the wrong people chances.Sometimes we all can get caught up in “life” and forget to really live and we take so much for granted when we do this. You would NOT believe how many people still ignore/not call/not spend time with me knowing how little time we might have. To a few select this has all been a wake up call to others its been nothing, the difference is NOW i SEE who everyone really is. Which is a huge blessing, i can spend my last moments with who i choose and who wants to hold my hand through this With me just not when its good for them.

I hope those of you who stand by my side and choose to not let go know i love and cherish you so much. For those of you have nothing but excuses, thanks for being stepping stones to me being a better loving, God serving person. I am so thankful God knew i had no blood family support so he gave me an awesome loving church family & a few other friends i call family.

I will end this post with this; some of you think i am doing the wrong thing stopping treatment or should be angry with God But this is my path, my purpose…
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ NLT)

I love you all times infiniti