In addition to my weekly post, this post will include my new health update.
Sunday, May 31st i attended morning church service @SVBC, went home did a few chores and then went back for evening service which was also our AWANA Awards night. I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing church who supports our future(our kids).
Monday 1st day of June!! Spine pain super bad. I was on heating pad all day. Thank goodness for Tyrone Wells music!
Tuesday i was not feeling well but i had to get out of the house as it was 89degrees. The dog and walked 2 miles under the beautiful sunshine! I loves every minute of it. I also managed to drive up to the church and help out with organizing the church garage sale. I then went home watched some TV and then took my favorite chemo meds.
Wednesday I did some grocery shopping and then received an Urgent message from one of my Dr’s. It was about my most recent blood draw. Long story short, i have the MOST aggressive form of my disease. Usually when you have the numbers i have, most if not all medicines used to help “slow”‘the disease do not work.
To be “transparent” is what i have always promised to be, so here is how I really feel about the new health news. I really think this sucks I feel like I am being suffocated I feel like I am being buried alive I feel like everything I had left is gone now. I feel like my hope is dwindling away I feel a lot of negative energy no matter how positive I try to be. I feel like no one listens and no one understands. People say they’ll do this to help me out but rarely do. And this is why I am so scared and frustrated because the sicker I get the more I have to rely on people and when I can’t rely on the people around me what am I going to do? Who’s going to take care of me? Who is going to be left standing when I turn around to look for help? Who will give me excuses so that they don’t have to see me in pain or in despair. I have been down this road for a long time and this is the kind of stuff that really happens. Sure there are some good people out there and I’m grateful for them but even they have lives to live and they can’t be at my beck and call. Nor do I expect them to. Already this week, I’ve talked to three people about what’s going on and all three people kind of pushed me aside like they didn’t want to hear it, they can’t deal with it. Boy I wish I could do that one day and just push it all aside and pretend like it doesn’t exist. This week has been the most alone I have ever felt and I just wanted to lace up my shoes and run and never look back but unfortunately I guess that means the disease would be running with me and that wouldn’t be any fun, so i had to scratch that idea. 🙁
And outside of all that I still have real life to deal with like housecleaning,laundry, shopping etc. Life doesn’t just stop when you’re sick. Unfortunately you are not assigned a team to help you, after being diagnosed. Then there are attitudes that you have to deal with from other people , Whether it’s on purpose or not you still get treated in a different way. Almost like they’re so frustrated about your condition that they take it out on you. And I’m not just saying this to be mean or anything, I’ve talked to several people with my disease and they also have gone through the same things so it’s real. And it happens. I find it funny that when I speak about my life, that some people that have never dealt with someone being terminally/chronically ill will comment kind of rudely like they have all the answers or they think they know how it should work. Really think about what you say and do around us who are struggling with death, depression, fear etc. For example this week outside of dealing with the new health news I allowed myself to be hurt by a friend. To be honest it’s been a long time since a friend made me cry and on top of everything else I just lost it. I was reminded that people aren’t perfect and people are going to hurt me regardless of my health condition. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my health I forget about real life things like people hurting you etc. It’s okay people make mistakes none of us are perfect and I’m going to leave it at that. Lesson learned.
At the end of the day God is so much bigger than any of our problems. Which for me to say sometimes it’s really hard because I am facing something super scary and its my life. It’s painful it’s scary it makes me angry it frustrates me! But I do know God is bigger than this and that God is going to get me through this. And it’s okay for me to have negative times it’s okay for me to be sad angry and mad it’s okay I’m human.
People have asked if I’m angry at God or why I believe in God when I am so sick. My first questions back to people who ask me that, is what’s so bad about believing in God?! What bad comes out of believing?
God did not make me sick and I have faith God will get me through this. As I’ve said before I believe God has a plan bigger then we have for ourselves. And even though I get frustrated angry and scared I never lose faith. I know where I’m going there will be no more pain or suffering and I’m excited about that but right now while I’m going through all the pain and suffering it’s scary.
Also wednesday night after the health drama, some of the church teens came by with Brother Shaun and helped me do some yard work! I am so blessed to have these young adults in my life! And Shaun is a Huge blessing! So Grateful.
Friday, well I just woke up and I’m having some pain in my hands and my legs but I hope to at least walk a mile today whether my body wants to or not. Today’s one of those days that I have to force myself to move and push through the pain because depression can sneak up on you very fast when you’re always laying in bed in pain and thinking of all the scary thing is you’re going through. This is partly why suicide is so high with our disease. Be kind and remember to love each other you never know what someone’s going through, not all diseases or battles are visible. Have a great weekend!! Thanks for continuing to be a part of my life and supporting me. If you can please donate a dollar to my Go Fund. My first trip is in seven weeks and then I am trying to raise money so that I can see my 49ers play this year. Thank you
Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. (John 14:1 KJV)
Photo of the week…..LOL