Pain and sadness

Here is the pic of the week and here is what you missed…*side note..this blog is a little short, im exhausted and going through some physical stuff with the new mix of poisons.. 

November 9 we were supposed to put down our cat but my daughter was having a very hard time with it so we decided to spend one more day with her. 

November 10th 

We got up first thing in the morning and went straight to the vet where we put down one of our kids. She was my daughters baby! We got spaz when my daughter was five, they grew up together. All i can say is I am grateful for my daughters strength because she held our cat until it was over as i feel a part in the corner of the room. This picture is was taken right after she passed and my daughter refused to let them take her away. 

A big thanks to those of you who helped us get through this tough day!

November 11 we enjoyed the morning and afternoon hours with our veteran friends at the Veterans Day parade. Because we are part of the HOG family we also were a part of the parade. We then went out with a couple of the other members/veterans for a good meal at Applebee’s

November 12 I woke up with severe pain in my hands spine and legs but I was not shocked because I had been up for three days previously doing things that I probably shouldn’t have been doing! I overdid it!!

November 13 was a very rough day for me I spent most the day in bed. I hate feeling like i am trapped in a pill bottle. I wish my body would give me a break. 

November 14 I took my chemo meds and spent the day on the couch watching TV and we ordered outback to go what a perfect day of being sick
November 15th I woke up with really bad hand pain but went to work. A girl has to make a living! 

November 16  i woke with severe hand pain but lucky for me today was pain specialist day. I was cranky due to the pain i was experiencing and then the Rn, tech and Dr drove me batty asking the same questions…i could not get this pic out of my mind Ha!

November 17 18th and 19th or probably some of the worst days so far this month between starting a new medicine mix on top of chemo,  being scared to do it and not having the support that I needed during this time was very hard for me. I’m very grateful that my nurse breezy helped me out with this, i hate feeling so vulnerable. 


Colin the elf took care of my “sharps” Great job Colin safety first😊 

November 20 I went straight to the gun range in the morning because I had to get out of bed and out of my head! I had a great time with my fellow coworkers and going #pewpewpew

  This photo above is a little work/play pic

November 21 It felt so great Friday being able to shoot instead of work at the range, so Brian and i went back to the range and made a day of it.

Sunday the 22nd I woke up with a little bit of leg & upper back pain which the doctors believe is the new drug mix messing with my body and I just need to deal with it for now because we need to see if this drug can help.  Whatever that means I’m so frustrated and I’m so tired of trying things.   But i put on my big girl pantys and i went to work despite the pain. This place really helps keep me going I’m so grateful to work where i work! Even Colin the Elf loves Working @ the range!

Monday, November 23 I’m at work work work work work work… Now im home, walked the DOG  and I caught you all up-to-date….so now I deserve some sleep and pain control as tomorrow is chemo day..Yuck!!!!!  

Have a great week and I promise to keep everyone updated on the new mix of yucky meds. As usual thank you for your support it’s super hard living the life that I’ve been given but super thankful for my friends & readers!! A huge hug to all my new friends also suffering from either my disease or others like  it.  Hang in there and never give up! The sun is still shinning somewhere.


This one is for you SPAZ

I hope everybody had a great last 2 weeks. For those of you that are on my Facebook you know that I spent part of last weekend working and the rest of the weekend in the hospital. That’s one of the cool things you get to deal with when you have a chronic illness; due to the medications we take, they drop our immune system very low so It is common that we get infections. For the last two days I have been in bed tossing and turning screaming and yelling because this pain is so unbelievable.  It’s just been a really hard couple of days off and all I wanted to do this week was change the oil in my car and get some warmer clothes and relax.. Oh and start the new yucky medicine I’ve been avoiding… Thanks Infection, Dr says as long as your hanging out with me, the new yucky medicine is just going to have wait. HA!

I have a lot to say tonight, So grab something to drink and maybe pop some popcorn. It is going to be a night! Several readers wrote in and wanted me to write about Isolation and what I think about it  and of course I have a lot to discuss on my Homefront.

Lets get started…………………………….

After talking to a few other people who are also battling my disease I realize that they were all feeling the same thing that I have been feeling…… isolated. It is so easy to be isolated when you’re sick. Many of us spend 90% of our time in beds and when you are in your bed and no one comes to visit, it can be very isolating. During some bed rest time this last week, I looked up isolation with chronic/terminal diseases and I read in one of the NCBI articles that many people after being diagnosed with their ailment/disease, report isolation from their peers, frustrated with managing their disease and dealing with the healthcare system. HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!!! I fit in all 3 of those statements.  1. I know I have talked about this a million times but PEOPLE do LEAVE US, it is a FACT. For those of you who have not experienced this, be SUPER grateful.  I still find this to be one of the MAIN painful things I seem to experience more often than not. 2. And then managing our disease??? WHAT does that mean?????  Sometimes I read about people who are “managing their disease with this and that, and I get so frustrated because I have NO idea what that means. For me there has been little “managing” and a lot of “DEALING with.”  I do not see being UP most of the night, internally bleeding, being in more pain that I knew EXISTED, being fatigued, not being able to run, and a MILLION other issues “MANAGING.” AARGG 3.  Healthcare system DO I NEED TO SAY MORE???? I think NOT. I will just be grateful for the help I do have.


Did you know, isolation can  be a very dangerous thing, it can worsen our disease by making us more depressed and  when you’re more depressed it brings on negativity and that negativity can really be harmful to us! *To anyone*

There is no ribbon at the end of this race…there is no first-place second-place,  there’s just a race WE RUN….not one we FINISH.

………..So here we are running OUR race towards  any kind of help, many of us are  isolated,  we are depressed or sad or frustrated AND then we  get the negativity from other people because we park in handicap spots BUT Don’t look sick. Family members treat us “differently” or “poorly” and some are even abused. Dr’s treat us like a number and not a person. Friends walk away because THEY CAN’T stand to WATCH US die. I could seriously go on and on. But I think you get the point. If you happen to fall into one of the categories I just named……..This next paragraph is for YOU.

For those of you who are hurting us emotionally you are the ones tripping us up making us fall, pushing our faces in the ground hurting us. The ones making our disease worse than it is, the ones making this life a little harder to live by. Stop telling us you will be there when really you will not be. Stop saying your here through it all when half is all you give. We are tired of it, the half ass treatment you give to us. The decent thing to do is stop lying, stop pulling our strings, stop hurting us, stop PRETENDING to care.  Enjoy the time you have with us or let someone else enjoy the time with us. We deserve the world just like anyone else. We don’t deserve less just because we are sick. We don’t deserve to be kicked when down. We don’t deserve to go through the hassle or the pain you put us through.  We have taken THIS long enough….

I am told to get over it! Fuck you

Either join our race and all that comes with it, or get off OUR TRACK!


Ok back to the my homelife……

So things have been super crazy, i have an infection that will NOT go away. I am sure i will be back in the hospital this week.  Yea ME!!! With that said, while i am dealing with my bleeding kidneys, i have to stay off some of my medicines that help(a little) my disease, which in returns means that my disease is running the show right now. It is so painful when he runs the show! And the infection is painful its self, so between the two, i am living in bed. However i was able to have my Halloween these pictures! Remember pictures are Memories!!!


Reminded me of other great Halloween memories




I also was able to work a couple hours last weekend BEFORE the hospital trip. Here is proof..


Can i just say BEST job ever….wish i wasn’t sick, i would be here everyday! I work with some awesome people. And i am super blessed Debbie took a chance on someone like ME. 😉

I am also very grateful to LeAne to who took great care of me at the hospital this night. I could not have made it through with out you. Thanks for all you do!

The rest of the week was spent mostly in bed, to be honest…crying and screaming in pain. i really wish my body would just give me a break! No one deserves this crap. If YOU have your health BE grateful.  When your health is gone….everything goes with it.

On another note, one of my Furbabies is dying. Tomorrow after work, we take her to the vet. Her passing is a reminder, that even though i am fighting for each day, it can always be worse.  This is the ONE thing i hate about animals….they die before we do in most cases.

This is one of the first pictures of her and I (15 years ago)


And here is Tonight’s picture, her and i sharing her last ice cream with me


My heart is shredded.  I am very sad but i also know, we are all born to die. Goodbye Spaz, love you…your human Mom

This last 2 weeks have been a struggle. I also know that the struggle will continue on…but it is how i choose to Run through it…that matters……