Another year, i made it & if your reading this, so did YOU!

I know there’s a few things that I said I was going talk about but first because most of you enjoy my day to day crap, here is what you all missed,already heard about or were a part of…

Thursday, December 10 I woke up at approx 11:30 AM with some pain but had previous  plans to watch my little princess(my girlfriends gorgeous daughter)Maddie. I really enjoy my time with her, since my kids are all grown. Unfortunately My little princess slept the entire time.

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A few hours after Maddie went home, I felt extremely anxious so anxious that I just want to punch a hole in the wall. I’ve been noticing that I’ve been getting that way and it’s usually a couple days after my chemo meds mix with the other treatments i am now on. Just what i need, something that makes me MORE anxious and angry.

Friday, December 11th,  I woke up and didn’t feel too bad, so I went to work for an entire shift.  By the time I got home my back was a pain level of 10, i dislike how the pain can go from a 5(which i have accepted as my normal) to a 10 whenever it damn well wants too!

Saturday December 12th I stayed in bed all day it was awful I could not move. However Brian stayed with me the entire time and we were able to get caught up on shows and watch a few movies.

Sunday December 13th I was able to work for a few hours and then go back to bed for the rest of the day. What a life i live.

Monday December 14th I worked for a few hours and was also very lucky to get my picture taken at Reno guns with one of our new coworkers for a magazine spread in a local magazine. After work i had a dr appt with one of my specialists. I dislike how every 4 weeks it is the same question…HOW HAS YOUR PAIN BEEN? Every month i think the same thing;

lego-pain ????????? HUH DOC???

 

But to be truthful, it was a decent day for ME because even in the evening hours I was able to join my niece for her 21st birthday at GSR.

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Tuesday December 15th my pain level was about five.  I was feeling OK until the evening hours when I did  treatment number 3, along with chemo meds….CAN YOU SAY YUCK!! I want to have a pity party because i am DONE doing this shit!

Wednesday December 16th I heard from a very old friend From Idaho which was nice and i did some grocery shopping. And when i say shopping for those of you who don’t understand how chemo meds and other similar drugs kick your ass, i mean i bought some bread and crackers. The rest of the day i spent…..you guessed it….in BED (eating those crackers and nibbling on that bread) 😉

Thursday December 17th I felt very exhausted and I had a very high level of pain, way beyond that damn 1-10 scale. I have nothing further to say about today.

Friday December 18th I worked for a few hours and then went home with severe head pain(another awesome side effect)

Saturday December 19th I did a little bit of grocery shopping and went and visited my grandma for about an hour. I then went to bed. Another joyous adventurous day.

Sunday December 20th we went to Santa Clara to watch my 49ers lose. This is how i felt about it

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I must say The new Levi stadium is really cool and we took a lot of fun pictures

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We even  got stuck in the snow and  had to buy  $70 chains(that will be used once or twice) and got home late. This photo shows Brian putting on the chains, my expression to the cold outside and the beautiful snow before and after the sun went down. I am surprised i was still awake, i rarely do trips like this anymore as it kicks my butt.

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Monday December the 21st I worked for a few hours went home, changed and then went to see the new Star Wars movie. It  was OK I’m just a 1970’s-80’s Star Wars girl these new movies kind of frustrate me but it was good nonetheless. Great graphics!

Tuesday December 22nd I had trouble in the morning opening my hands and feeling the bottom of my feet. It is  chemo day and I’m a little worried about it because I don’t feel good at all. I’m very scared these are the days that really get you thinking about bad stuff, the depressing stuff. Your  brain and body on all these drugs can really affect your thinking. This is very frustrating and scary and all you can do is spend the day in bed curled up in a ball praying that God will help you through it and then tomorrow comes! Thank God!

Wednesday December 23rd and the same thing is going on, I’m having trouble opening my hands and I do not feel the bottom of my feet but my head is more clear. I guess i need to just let my body rest and let these POISONS do their damn job. ARRGG

Thursday  December 24th I worked for about five hours then went home to  relax and watch some TV…

Friday December 25th was  Christmas and  we didn’t do anything but lay around and watch TV. Just another day here.  I did make  an amazing chicken dinner however. I hope everyone had a great day.IMG_7182

Saturday  December 26th we got up around 10 and  drove once again to Levi stadium  to watch the huskers kick UCLA’s butt!!! Because it was a late game it  was freezing cold, but it was a really great game. My disease THRIVES on the cold…i hate this FACT… i was miserable towards the end of the game because i was cold and i had 2 jackets, and several blankets. I think the stadium needs to move a bit closer, 8 hours total driving sucks!

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Sun 27th I worked from 10 AM to 4 on very little sleep. Just in case you didn’t know i am A SUPERSTAR.  Right before i fell asleep, i realized i was internally bleeding. Sometimes this is a very painful/messy process.

Monday December 28th i went to work and boy did we work our buns off. The Gun range was busy and it really wore me out, i hit the bed the minute i walked into the house.

Tuesday December 29th is not my usual day to work but when we are as busy as we have been and i feel that i can give a few hours, i go and help. We are team and that is what team members DO. In the evening hours i did my meds and watched TV.

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Today is December 30th and i am having one of those poison kicking my butt days. which means i woke up at around 1pm and used almost all my spoons showering. I feel like shit, my body aches and i just feel yucky.  I am finishing this damn post though because it means ALOT to me.

Ok so now that i have you all caught up on what i have been up too, lets get into the MEAT of the blog…..

I am very frustrated, I’m really not trying to make people feel bad or anything because I want people to enjoy their holidays. It is not their fault that they have great family great relationships or whatever but I’m on the opposite end of that and I’m allowed to feel what I feel too. With that said I would just like to talk about a few things because i know i am not alone on this and i know negativity and frustration can really affect our health even more.

Lets talk about “family,” both our families are pretty neglectful and not around. Many of them think that if they Facebook or text once a year, that makes them family..truth IS it doesn’t…..BEST part, then they wonder why we stopped ALL contact…UH DUH?! Then their are those who just can’t be around me due to my health…it is just too hard for them to watch or be a part of….please…i don’t need you anyways. Then there is the ones who only contact you when they need something…….AND  My favorite, “we are in your lives.” Ummmm seeing you every 5-6 years doesn’t make you parents or family. And if you try to talk to them about it, they blame it all on YOU, because they are so perfect.  Truth is it is SO HARD to NOT have family around when you are going through tough times. I have had 18 serious surgeries and my dad has been to 1. My doctor a few years back told us that i had a 30% chance of waking up from surgery and that it was important for my dad to be there….Guess who didn’t show up? My mom and i have never had a relationship( i have only seen her for approx 9 days, in 21 years) and that is all i have to say about that. So i have to rely on Brian or friends. And i always feel so helpless and like a burden on others because it SHOULD be FAMILY here! I did NOT ASK TO BE BORN.

We try not to worry about having no family, BUT the holidays are hard when you are family less. I get sad reading everyone’s happy family holiday stories….don’t get me wrong, i am so happy for you all….but i am so envious. Always treat others how you want to be treated. Love one another life is SHORT, just ask ME.

Living with this chronic terminal disease has changed my life completely. I had a whole different life before this, before they told me my body was killing me. I miss all the Criminal Justice stuff i was working on. I had finally found my passion and then BAM…all of it was Gone, in a blink of an eye. I will never forget my main Doctor telling me the test results and how he redid them 3 times because he could NOT believe what he was seeing. And all i could think of,was what about my liver(because i was diagnosed in 2001 with a liver disease called NASH) and all he said was, you don’t have to worry about your liver anymore, as this NEW disease will kill you. That day feels like yesterday, not 3 years ago.

Its funny or NOT funny however you choose to look at it, But sometimes i look back on my life and wonder how i made it through..from day one. How did i live with parents who didn’t want me? How did i let someone beat me for several years and then run off with OUR child for 15 years? How did i get through all those damn scary surgeries? How did i take several people who said they LOVED me, later tell me i was to sick to be WITH? How do i ALWAYS take all the bad news that comes my way? They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Does this mean i have broad shoulders? Because i feel so broken sometimes, i don’t feel like i have broad shoulders, in fact i just want to give up sometimes. When people ask me at work or when i am out and about, how i am, i just say what they want me to say most days because no one really wants to know what i am going through. Its tough to swallow and what can you say to me HONESTLY?  I’m good at hiding it I’m good at pretending that I’m happy I’m good at pretending that I can getting through this I’m good at faking all of this. It is so much easier than sitting you down and explaining. Would you even be interested? Would you even care? I am a part of an amazing online support group where most of us have similar if not the same disease/s. I see this all the time, people talk about how people ask and then they try to be honest and then realize the person was just being nice and expecting a “i am ok” response. Let me just let all of you know..WE ARE NOT OK…yes we have some good days, we might even get out and about occasionally but mostly we are dealing with a lot of private things. Some of us have great caregivers and or meds that are working ok others of us, like myself are struggling a little more. We never know what happens behind closed doors, don’t assume you think we are all ok or taken care of the way we should be. If you care, sincerely find out if we need something or if our caregiver needs something. Caregivers are going through stuff too. In the words of someone i used to know, ” watching you die, makes me feel like I AM dying too.” These chronic/terminal diseases are depressing, sad, scary and sometimes very lonely. People really don’t know how/what to do with us/for us. Our social life goes from a 10 to a big fat ZERO very quickly. I have been blessed recently to be able to work 15 hours a week. it may not seem like a lot to you but to me, it IS like working 40 hours a week. My body punishes me, trust me BUT i do it because, i get to be around other people, laugh, talk, and just pretend to be normal even if its just for 15 hours a week.

To end this, i just want to say……In almost 24 hours it will be a NEW YEAR….

A. Be kind to each other, we are all battling something. Smile at a stranger, you never know what kind of day they are having. Have compassion for ALL people, Don’t ask how we are UNLESS you are willing to hear about how we really feel. This goes for healthy people too, they have problems TOO!! Remember those of us who are sick, we are living on Spoons, do something nice for us, so we can spare a spoon on doing something WE enjoy. I HATE using my 10 spoons a day cleaning up after EVERYONE.

and finally…some great words to live by..Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements

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THANK YOU TO BRUCE Robertson  FOR SUPPORTING THIS WEBSITE! SOMEDAY I HOPE TO BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK..MAYBE WITH A FEW BEERS HA!  A HUGE THANKS TO THE ONLINE SUPPORT GROUP I AM APART OF, I MAY NOT ALWAYS TALK OPENLY, BUT YOU ARE ALL SUCH A HUGE SUPPORT FOR ME. I PRAY I GIVE YOU A INCH OF WHAT YOU GIVE ME. A BIG HUG TO ALL THE NEW PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, RENO GUNS CREW AND FAMILY MEMBERS, OUR H.O.G FAMILY AND ALL THE FEW FOREVER FRIENDS/ WHO HAVEN’T LEFT EVEN AFTER EVERYONE ELSE DID. FINALLY THANK YOU BRIAN, FOR MOSTLY BEING MY CAREGIVER ABOVE ALL OTHER THINGS. I KNOW IT IS A TOUGH ROAD TO GO DOWN WITH ME, BUT AS YOU SAID, WE ARE BIGGER THAN MY DISEASE! I LOVE YOU ALL AND I WISH YOU ALL ANOTHER YEAR OF HOPE! IMG_7280

P.S I  use this as my final 2015 picture because even in this picture, i felt sick, apparently lost a glove, my 49ers lost, YET i CAN say this is one of the Happiest moments this year! This picture says it ALL.

BRING IT ON 2016

 

 

Your worth fighting for

 

I hope that everybody has had a great past few weeks. I have been busy being sick fighting this damn disease and have had very little time to keep everyone updated…..BUT I have a few minutes to spare before I go back to bed….and I guess I will spend them with YOU….FEEL LUCKY

Here is where we left off…

 

Tuesday, November 24 Well lets just say I spent the day in bed….it was chemo day.  Although I did crawl out of bed long enough to get my Christmas tree out and put together.  Damn did that wear me OUT.  This was a reminder of just how little energy I have most days.

Wednesday the 25th I woke with severe spine pain!!! I  HATE how chemo drugs mixed with my disease attack my spine. AARG  THIS was a stay in bed all day kind of day!

Thursday the 26th was thanksgiving…. I managed to eat some turkey , potatoes and stuffing. I did not let my belly be the boss today ……however this is how I felt later in the day.. Internal bleeding is zero fun ;-(

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Friday the 27th I stayed in bed wishing I could go shopping or at least go out and have some coffee…

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Saturday I woke up and I couldn’t move my hands for hours OH HOW I LOVE MY DISEASE!! But I was super grateful my girlfriend made me a Christmas tree to go with my Christmas décor. I love how perfect it is for me!! Thanks Blondie

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Sunday I worked for a few hours and even visited with Santa…He better bring me some gifts…I only ask for a warm plug in blanket and some carhartt socks. Part of my disease does not allow my blood to circulate so I freeze all year long. These items would make my life MUCH better. Side NOTE…I used to ask for jewelry, cars and clothes and now its stuff to help me get through my health SHIT….Funny how things change.

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Monday the 30th I worked…I love where I work, I know I say it all the time BUT everyone I work with is so Awesome and they don’t make me feel sick.  Sundays and Mondays really FORCE me to get away from my bed ridden disease. A BIG hug to all I work with, you all are super special 😉

I started DECEMBER off with a BANG and I did my chemo drugs and it was just a crappy day as USUAL. WOOHOO BAH HUMBUG

 

Wednesday, December 2  I was very sick in fact I was in bed until 7 PM vomiting and I HAD FLU Like  feelings but I had to drive to Sacramento at 8pm so I could pick my BFF up at the airport. Super excited to see RHONDA!!

December 3 I went in for my second treatment and this time Brian tagged along so he could learn how to do them so I could later on do them at home. I feel like such a puss when I allow tears to fall down my cheek as they push the drugs into my system.  I just hate all these chemicals in my body. I just do NOT know which is worse the drugs or just letting the disease KILL me. Sometimes I just want to let the disease take over because I am suffering anyways so what is the fucking point?! Just another one of these damn days….

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Friday Dec 4th,  I am very sick and I was in bed until 7 PM again which really pissed my off because my BFF flew from LA NOT to watch to watch me suffer and or sleep all day. BUT this is MY fucking life and this is what I do every week!!!!  I just feel so guilty sometimes that my body doesn’t care who is visiting or who wants to do something.

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Saturday Dec 5th is a very important day to Brian and I and we had plans but so DID my asshole disease.  He however was able to take me and Rhonda to dinner and I was able to eat half of a Boca burger . YA I got to eat!!!!!! Later in the evening Rhonda and i made each other wreaths! they turned out great and we made another memory. In the end that is what life is all about! I can’t tell you how happy i am having her here visiting. I am just sad i was in bed or in the bathroom more than i was with her.  Rhonda if my disease takes me before we see each other again know i love you times INFINITI. No one has ever stuck around like you. She never said, i was to sick to be around or that she didn’t want to watch me die like other friends did. You are what a real friend IS. Thank YOU

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December 6th I made it work or rather crawled to work….(although I bet none of you knew how I sick I felt) I can HIDE IT WELL. 😉 I then drove back to Sacramento to drop Rhonda off back at the airport. Then very carefully drop back over icy Donner. It took me 2 hours longer to get home.  When you start with ZERO energy and then have to do all I did….lets just say it SUCKED.  If I could just find a way  to get rid of a QUARTER of this pain, I would…

December 7th I made it to work AGAIN. YA ME!!!! I am so grateful for the customers who always put a smile on my face every Monday.  They have no idea how much I am suffering inside and to hear the compliments they tell me really make my day. Also Colin the 49er Elf keeps me busy and I heard he keeps the crew on their toes during the days I don’t work. I am very happy Colin found a new job…. HA! This coming weekend I will be bringing Colin’s girlfriend by the Gun Range for a conjugal visit. She misses him. 😉  See what you all miss at the Range? You should make time to come down and see us all! I mean it is the only place where Colin the elf will model an UZI for you!!

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December 8th (yesterday) I woke up and could not feel my legs and left arm. I guess I am now having a reaction to the chemo and other drug mixing! SHOCKING!!! Lol   So because of this I could not do my chemo meds last night because I was miserable. Today was also a day where i just stood in the shower crying as more of my hair fell to the floor. I never thought my hair had to so much pull on my life. Sometimes i just feel so ugly and i am tired of wearing bandannas. I just want my old life BACK…or parts of it.

 

December 9th is TODAY bitches…..I woke up at 11, forced myself to get up and take the DOG to the park and enjoyed the fresh air. Picked up my meds and came back home to go back to bed. And well now I am writing to all of you because some of you are impatient…HEEHEE  I am just teasing….I love how many followers I have now and how many of you write to talk to me about your crap and or happy experiences(do we have many?! ;-)) with your disease.  My online support group is how i get through most days.

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I really hope everyone is enjoying their month of December so far. Before I got my death sentence/millionth diagnosis, Christmas was my favorite time of the year. However now it makes me a little sad, I have no energy to do as much décor as I would like, or to go shopping(and since being on disability and living with a chronic painful disease I can’t work but 2 days now so $$$ is low) or to travel anywhere. Sometimes this month just reminds me just how unlucky I am.  I am too exhausted to do anything, this is the month 3 years ago I started weekly chemo drugs. This is the month I just sit and stare at my tree praying that magically it will decorate itself because I am so exhausted after just putting it together and then I am also reminded that I will have to take it all apart in a few weeks….UGGG

Anyways being negative or being stuck in my own head doesn’t help although I know writing and sharing this helps others in my same situation. So i will just keep at it, one day at a time…fuck that…one second at a time because that is really what I AM DOING….and i think most days i do it pretty well…

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Ok so here is where I bitch or INFORM you all on something , in OTHER words this is my opinion, take it or leave it i don’t care ….

So today I open carried..  (yes ken and Greg, I can hear your comments and evil stares..) to the store to pick up my meds. Anyways the cashier asked how she can carry a gun. I then asked her if she has ever trained or anything and she said NO and that she just want to own one.****** This is what I told her …..i want to be a ballerina so I will just go and buy some ballerina shoes and a tutu and then magically I will dance like a ballerina. She quickly replied with, “you can’t just be a ballerina like that, you need training.” As I walked off I said, EXACTLY…..go check out Reno Guns 😉  I heard her say your right thanks, I will check it out. 😉     With that said, I think it is SUPER important for anyone to train and practice practice practice. Being a gun owner is like anything else, you need to keep up your skills. Women( I say women because I have more women who quietly send me messages because they are nervous and or scared to be around guns) do NOT be afraid to come in and train. Don’t be afraid to be around guns, remember guns DO NOT OPERATE BY THEMSELVES. Talk to me about anything and if I don’t know the answer I work with some amazing guys that will have an answer. At Reno Guns we have some great instructors and like a customer said last week to me….they are cute to look at too.  😉

I also want to take a second to address some other readers/bloggers recent  blogs about how how can some people be so sick and look so good. Many of us who look “GOOD” on the outside understand this issue. In many of our cases, it is our INSIDES that are sick which YOU CANT SEE. This is why they call it “invisible disease.”  Or when someone asks what your disease is and then they want to tell you what to do for it, when they know ZERO about it. In the end we know our fight, and we do NOT need to PROVE to anyone anything and we certainly do not need to listen to others rude comments about what they WOULD do if they had our disease. —-This is one of  my favorite—-  We have a hard enough time with loved ones, doctors etc, we don’t need shit from bystanders. Love yourself always even if it IS just second to second

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