Every time I stop by to visit my grandma’s house,she is always in the same chair, looking out the window. She tells me she watches as the cars go by, sometimes she counts every individual car, and sometimes she counts them by color. This is her life now, ever since my grandfather passed away 9 years ago. She is lonely, she is sad. This is exactly is see myself anymore with exception of losing my forever partner. We both now just watch as life passes us by. Sometimes I go just to sit with her, because I want her to know she is NOT alone. I may not be able to be with her every waking second but when I can, i am with her. Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings ever, I love her more than words, so i SHOW her when I can just by sitting with her. It is that easy people.
Today i went and spoke with a group of people who are dealing with some kind of disaster in their life whether it be health, death in the family or whatever. I was amazed on how much we all had in common. I feel dead, my health especially this year has kicked my ass more than i could ever explain. I still have people pushing me away…i guess I should finally let Mr.R off the hook. He is not the only who is good at shoving the sick girl in the closet and bringing her out just when he needs something. I have hated him for so long and have been carrying around this anger towards him because i wanted to believe that he was the only bad man in my life who makes me feel this way. But i am wrong. I look around now and I have the same life just different players. Everyone is always doing something else, making goals, living life.. doing what ever it is they need to do and then for just a second they realize Oh shit Kari…and they throw me a rope and pull me along, only to drop me again. I am not really a part of much, even when I put my all into something it never seems to be enough. No matter how much I love, i do not get it back like I give.
Tonight I had to explain How I feel…this is what i said
I feel that once i became sick, everyone that I CHOSE to have in my life covered me in plastic bags and suffocated me, in hopes that I would quietly go away, so they would not have to take care me, pity me, drag me along, make them feel sick, complain about how we do nothing due to my health, blame my health for all the bad in the world etc.
Then a group member asked me what I miss the most about my self. This question really made me think, because all i have known for the last 20 years is sickness. But after a few minutes i realized I miss the Kari that used to make people smile. I love writing letters, I love helping the less fortunate, i love doing special things for those I love, leaving notes, cards, etc. I love making people feel special. In the end it is memories we leave people..nothing more.
The same person said, why have you stopped? Now this was easy for me to answer, i stopped because people stopped making me feel loved, so in return i stopped. Why should i waste my time on people who do not love me?
I can not tell you all how eye opening tonight was. My health has destroyed more than my “physical” body. I have let it eat my thoughts, my emotions. I have allowed people into my life that could care less because I thought because of my health, i was less of a person. I know it did not start this way, it is just how people started to treating me the sicker I got( i was even told that no one would love me due to my health, so i should just settle) and i just let it continue. I LET IT CONTINUE. I let people poison me, like doing all these Chemo, biologic’s, pain meds etc were not enough poison?!
Now I sit here frustrated. The only BAD i need in my life is my health…NOTHING more….
It is so amazing how many of us sick or not, allow others to control our emotions. How many of us are guilty of this? And then when I am completely lost and caught up in all the negative, i look around and i feel even more alone. People tell me all the time, you are not alone, give us a call, text etc… I am not going to call anyone out on this, because maybe it was an oversight, you were busy etc. We are all human, we all make mistakes. But because of the way I feel right now…i really want to open a 24/7 hotline for spoonies. Not that anyone else isn’t important, it is just because we have a lot more on our plates than the average person. Suicide is huge. Just today i was reading some statistics, on the average 42, 000 people commit suicide each year, more than half are people like myself. They have chronic disease, chronic pain etc. Another article said that chronic pain patients are twice as likely to commit suicide than others. SO WHY are we not helping each other by reaching out, answering the phone, text etc? And why are YOU (the person in our lives hurting us) in our lives? If you can’t deal with it, get out, let someone who can deal with our health be in OUR lives. There is NOTHING more painful in MY opinion than having someone say I love you and then abandon me When i need them the most. Can you for one moment see it from our side? You the person who is trying to help us/take care of us, You get to escape. You get to leave, you do not get any of the medicine side effects, it is not your body being cut into all the time. It not you bleeding out everywhere and then having to clean up afterwards. It is US. And trust me, i am not speaking for anyone else, but i do think about my friends and family who are around occasionally. I know it must suck watching me scream all the time in pain and you can’t help. It must be awful being so helpless. But you had a choice, so if you want to be a part of it, be a part of it, just not when you want too but all the time. Or you can be like others who just walked away and gave me personally the, “i can’t watch you die.” “you are too sick for me” BULLSHIT.
Hear ME NOW. Decide soon, because I am no longer going to be abused, because that IS what it IS, you may not be punching me but you are emotionally abusing me. I am DONE. My health will be the only bad in my life! I am going to make it so. I deserve so much more than I get. I deserve to be happy those few minutes a day, that my body gives me. LOL I deserve to be shown love, I deserve to be special, because I AM. Many of you have no idea what life I live, because you only see me once in awhile..let me tell you, it is so easy to Fake a smile. I do it all the time because If I didn’t you would all just feel sorry for me. Truth is I, like many others are suffering 24/7. We never get to escape from our hell. But that does not mean, we deserve to be nothing, or treated like 2nd place, or she/he will do for now. I encourage you as you make your “new years resolutions” to make important changes in your life. To me character is so much more important than looking like Barbie. Reach out to others who are suffering, it does Not just have to be me. Even I reach out to other spoonies, because even though i am feeling intense pain and i feel hopeless, i know they are too….and they need me, just like someone might need YOU.
You can either make me a part of your life or get the FUCK off my Path before I push you OFF.
This is my TRUTH