As promised this post will be about Relationship & Chronic Illness.
This topic is brought up more often than not. I get over 20 emails a month in regards to relationships whether it be romantic or just friendships. Health Central Website states that Disabled women have the highest rate of being victims of personal violence of any group in society today and they are twice as likely to be victims of Domestic Violence. Before we get started, I want to share this quote that I borrowed from Heart Sisters, “Bottom line: this guy is killing you on the installment plan.“Save yourself. “Get out now while you still have the strength to leave.”
Before I get to everyone’s questions I feel it is only fair to share my own stories in regards to this topic…………..If you have been following my posts since the beginning then you have an idea on what I have been through with friendship/relationships. This topic is not only personal but a very touchy subject for me but I want others to know that they are not alone and that their experiences are more common than not.
My experiences with relationships since I have been sick have been all over the spectrum. People have pushed me away, left me , blamed my health for everything, treated me like trash, while others have been supportive, some have even been extremely smothering. The worst in my opinion out of all of these are the ones who say they will be by my side through it all, then suddenly leave.
They make all these promises and plans and just when you think you are going to be taken care, they rip your world to pieces. Not only are you left to pick your already broken body up from the ground but you are left with time that you can never get back. They tell you, “I love you but you are too sick,” “you are making me sick, “I can’t watch you die,” “this is to much for me etc.”This made me feel like an almost finished puzzle that a bully knocks off the table. The puzzle pieces fly in all directions, some are found, others vacuumed up, some are eaten by the dog and some never found. I had already been through a similar long term relationship years earlier and to feel the complete devastation once more was almost more than I could bare. I felt like I was drowning in yesterdays horrors. I am truly amazed at how selfish and mean people can be. I look back now and realize just how strong I really am, because I am still here and so are they…*wink
I have learned a lot through the years. I only open to up certain people now and I certainly keep people at bay. Being sick is so hard and it takes up most of my energy, so i try to keep negative energy at a minimum. I have little energy to spare. This is why people always on their electronics while wanting to “spend” time with me DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY……Put that shit away or I will choose to be around others who actually want to spend time with me. I also do not like when people I have not talked to in weeks come up to me, hug me and then say, “i have been thinking about you,” OR “I have been really worried about you, how are you?” REALLY????? My phone hasn’t rang, nothing is in my mailbox, no one stopped by…….. Listen I know we all have a life to live and we all get busy but do NOT say things just to say things!!!!!!!! I would rather you say nothing than bullshit me. I may not ever see age 50, 60 etc so I want to LIVE while I can! I want to live it with people who want to live it with me. People who want to spend their energy on me when they can. Why should I waste my time with you, if you spend little to no time with me? Last time I checked it is a two way road…is it not?!
I am a Gemini-Cancer so I wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part, I will do almost anything for anyone. And even though I am an A personality, I have allowed some people to walk all over me and continuously stab me in the back….because I was praying that someday they would love me the way I love them. All of us have our flaws and trust me this is something I am currently trying to change, because time stops for NO ONE. I know I can’t change anyone, i can’t make so called friends/family be there for me like they say they will,I can’t force someone to love me the way I love them, I can’t make others want what I want, I can’t make a cure appear, all I can do is live to the fullest everyday my body gives me.
I know many of you who write and tell me about your similar relationship experiences and you feel ashamed or not worthy of being loved. Truth is they are the ones that are not worthy of YOU being in their lives. Do you know how people look up to you for getting up everyday battling something you are not winning? Do you know how strong you are? God does have a plan for you! I know its hard, but you are not alone and believe me when I say, the right person will come into your life and when they do, all the pieces will perfectly fit.
**** Please remember there are 2 sides to every story and the truth will always be somewhere in the middle**** HOWEVER that does NOT take away from either parties feelings or the way THEY experienced the situation…..and it NEVER excuses any type of abuse PERIOD!!!
1. Do we have to be alone because we are sick?
No we do not! But that does not mean that we need to be in an verbal or physical abusive situation. In my opinion if you are fresh out of a relationship, take time for you. You can do this, You do not need a mate to survive. Yes it may be hard but you can do it, many are doing it right now. Believe in yourself and reach out to other spoonies when you are feeling alone. We are here for you.
2. I am really tired of the lack of compassion. I am tired of feeling like it is just me. What I am I doing wrong?
You are doing nothing wrong. Some people are not made(for lack of a better word) that way. I think sometimes we do not notice this character flaw(my opinion) until we need it. Chronic Illness brings out the ugly in all of us. We are miserable and in pain all the time and then our partners feel absolutely helpless and instead of explaining how they feel, they take their emotions out on us. I recommend having a sit down and see if it is something you can work together on. Communication is VERY important.
3. If people have trouble loving us now, how can we expect them to love us as it progresses?
This is a hard question to answer, however I would say, if you are asking this question about the person/people you are with/around, then they may not be the right ones to surround yourself with. However I believe sometimes we are with the right person/people and this question can come into play and when it does, I would just sit down and have a conversation about it. Really listen to what the other person is saying. People retract when they don’t know how to help you…Remember NOTHING is perfect. We all stumble….it is is how we pick ourselves up out of the fall that matters.
4. Do we have time to keep forgiving others, should we just settle with the ones who are around us?
I really feel that this is an individual choice. You spend your time on what means the most to you. But I will say this…..If you decide to forgive it is a choice! You have to make it possible for them to fix it. If we set up a pattern that makes them feel hopeless the relationship can’t work because they can’t be forever trying to get back that trust. If you find yourself “repeating” the same old shit, after forgiving and deciding together to move on, it is time to leave. Take it from me, losing yourself in someone else while battling chronic/terminal illness is a losing battle. Sometimes loving someone new is better than repeating the painful past. At the same time the grass is greener where you water it…….The choice is yours.
So forgive and move on or just move on……either way do what is best for YOU, at the end of the day you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. Do not forget to forgive yourself too. Whipping your own back will not make you stronger, it’ll only distract you.#thestrain 🙂