Disposable Spoons

I really hope everyone understood the video.  Not only does changing plans over and over on me make it hard but when I take initiative and say I WANT to do something and I get turned away, it hurts me. It hurts me because I have prayed about it and I have figured out in my head how I can save enough energy to do whatever it is that I wanted to do.

There are many HOG Rides that I could go on but can’t due to my health so this is what we do, we sit down and figure out what ones I can go on and then I have to plan it out at least a week in advance. So for those of you who I think I just get up and go on all these rides are so so wrong!  It takes a lot of planning to do anything. I even carry around a calendar binder that keeps track of my pain, energy levels and what I plan on doing that week.  Let’s just say most things do NOT get done!

Another Example, imagine how house chores and meals get done. I love to cook and now I barely cook 2 meals a week. Making tacos takes almost 20 spoons (I counted one day).  Vacuuming kicks my butt BIG TIME, but I have animals that shed, so vacuuming has to get done. I am not a witch that can wiggle her nose and magically her house is clean 😉 I also love to garden because I love to watch things grow but I have to plan for that too.  I try to walk the Marina every day and some days I make it and some days I do not.  But I make it a goal nonetheless. As of TODAY I am planning my trip to San Francisco to see Tyrone Wells in September.  Things like this are hard because if I buy tickets and then on the day of, I have zero spoons to go….money is wasted.  We also have a vacation planned in September that we are both nervous about because my health changes daily. We have to plan on extra days just so I can sleep the day away if need be. So as you can see everything and everyone is affected. I have lost friends/relationships because I can’t just go and visit them anymore or I can’t “hang out” enough or give them what they need.  Over the years it has been mostly me doing everything and now that I can’t people just turn their backs.  So for those of you who are still standing with me..THANK YOU. I used to be angry about stuff like that but that was a HUGE waste of spoons, besides God has added many great people in my life these last 2 years.  😉

Every little thing and Big thing I DO is a spoon, sometimes many spoons. Please do not take what I do for granted big or small. Recently I made something for someone and then watched it be thrown away. I have forgiven and moved on but I will not lie, that hurt me deeply. I may not be an artist but I can promise you that I made that for you with pure love.  Sometimes I struggle with what I should be doing with my spoons and how I waste many spoons on people who don’t deserve a broken spoon. But I am working on that issue. The sicker I get, the more I see with my eyes and less with my heart. My spoons are valuable!!!

Another thing that sucks is when the chemo meds make me so sick that I am vomiting and other “things” but because I have ZERO spoons I just lay there and ruin beds, clothes, blankets etc. It is completely humiliating sometimes. I am embarrassed just talking about it but I want to people to know just how hard IT IS! It is NO cake walk.

Just because you only see me at church when I am dressed nice, wearing makeup and smiling does not mean I feel great or that I am not struggling right that second. Just because you see me at the store getting groceries does not mean life is getting any better. Just because I am dancing in the rain or singing in my car does not mean I am feeling terrific. Just because you hear about my Harley Rides every other week or so does not mean I am cured….it just means I am trying to live life and more times than not, it’s on borrowed spoons. So if you see me out and about just say Hi and if you can throw a spoon or two my way.

Remember you never know someone else’s struggles, not all struggles are seen on the outside!  I can guarantee every person you walk by is going through something. Love on another and take NO ONE for granted.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34




2 thoughts on “Disposable Spoons”

  1. I love you to Pluto and back. And I truly am sorry that you have to remind us all about these things but I am guilty of forgetting or putting this theory aside at times. I am going to try to get you a number one of these days. 😉

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