Beautiful Scars

candace

My name is Candace, I’m 17 and this is my story.
I was born in Paradise, California to a 19 year old single mom I have never met my biological father still to this day. My dad now has been the only dad I’ve know since I was 3. Growing up wasn’t the best we didn’t really have a lot of money, my dad was an alcoholic until I was 7 and the only reason he quit drinking was cause my mom got pregnant. He was abusive, verbally, meantally and physically I watched him hit my mom as a little girl then as I got older me. He called me every name you can think of, stupid, retarded, fat, cuss words etc. I was never good enough for anyone. My family constantly told me I needed to lose weight, I was bullied until high school constantly told I’d be prettier if I was skinny. But the thing is I was happy with myself. I was put on the back buner when my little sister was born it seemed than everyone forgot about Candace it was all about Josie no one came to see me. In middle school is when it started. Thinking about suicide and such but I never thought it was something to be concerned about I was like 12 so it wasn’t a big deal to me. My way of hiding the way I felt was to say how much I hated it and how stupid it was. There were nights when I’d sit and ask why I was alive I’d cry to god and tell him to take me away take the pain away, I didn’t want to be called names everyday and get told how worthless I am anymore. I was saved at a young age and knew in heaven there was no pain and that’s why I asked God to take me away, but he didn’t nothing got easier it got worse. My dad lost his job, we had lived in a brand new house, had nice cars I had everything I wanted then we lost it all. We moved to a two bedroom apartment we didn’t live there long as my dads unemployment ran out. We started living with people. We moved where ever was stable my mom got on welfare and she didn’t even get enough so we could pay rent. We were staying in a motel six and my dads friends parents told us about this church and we started going. God had blessed us we got a house and such but I was still not myself put on a show saying I was happy then when things were good for once they got bad again. Moving to wherever was stable again, we moved to Reno, Nevada back to Oroville, California (which is my hometown) to Yuba City, California back to Oroville. In Yuba City depression got worse, suicide was a constant thought, I had no friends, my family was broken my parents split up multiple times and got back together during these 4 years and even before then. No one seemed to notice what I was going through. I hid myself in a coat closet. I didn’t have a room but where we were staying they had a closet that I put a baby bed in and slept in for months. That’s when music became such a big part in my life I had always loved music, I sing but now it meant more to me than anything at this time. No one noticed my pain, or tears apparently I was just that good at hiding it. Then back to oroville we went again.. That’s when it got worse than I thought it could. My dad told me to go kill myself my own dad at 16 told me to kill myself and said “do you think it will affect me” and i thought that it would be easier on my parents financially to not have me around all they’d have to do is provide for my sister. So February 2014 I attempted to take pills but I couldn’t do it I don’t know why I just couldn’t. After that I had thought of myself as a failure, I’d given up on God because how could he put me through this and let me feel this way. I hated him I was so mad at him I didn’t understand. Then onto Reno, Nevada for the second time, where we lived with my moms friend. This is where I began self harming at first it was small cuts on my stomach the feeling was nothing like I’d ever felt before I was always scared to do it but when I did it for the first time it was an amazing feeling watching the blood run down it was like all my bottled up feeling were running down my skin and it was a great feeling. I continued the small cuts for a while not often just when I needed a release and to start fresh. Then in August of 2014 just after the start of senior year,  I starved myself for a week no food and little water I ended up in the hospital almost had to have surgery. After that insident I began slowly fading drifting away more and more to a dark place where all I had was my thoughts telling myself I was worthless, fat, ugly no one will ever love me, if I kill myself no one will notice. I had gone about six months without self harming it was around Christmas time I did it again and it was the worst I had ever done it. Me and my mom had gotten in a fight and that night on the shower I broke my razor and started cutting my stomach and my thighs before I could put thought into I couldn’t stop myself and when I looked down the shower was covered in blood over 30 cuts cover my stomach and thigh. I told my best friend and she got mad at me then the next day at school she came and picked me up and held for 10 minutes while I cried to her. After my cuts had started healing I made the decision to tell my mom, that’s wasn’t a good idea. I had show her and she got mad at me and said it was stupid of me to do and I asked her for help and she said we needed to wait til after the holidays because if we told my dad it would ruin them. Getting told that made me feel even worse and more low as a person. Slowly over this period of time I stopped going to school. I was in pain and physically drained it hurt to get up and go to school I just couldn’t do it. At the time it didn’t seem like dropping out but that’s what I did I dropped out and let mg depression get the best of me. Finally we told my dad and it went better than I expected but it turned around and got thrown in my face just like everything else he’d always tell me to go cut when he got mad at me.. My mom told me to talk to her when I felt like cutting but I couldn’t cause she just gets mad and doesn’t understand, so either way I’d get yelled at. Then we moved we finally were stable enough to live on our own and I never cut here at our new place. Until one night I got in fight with my mom I told her to go overdose on pills and die, when I’m angry I just say things before I can think its a defense thing I try to hurt you before you hurt me. Then I cut but this time on my wrist so I wore sweater a lot which no one noticed cause I wear sweater a lot. Then this last time I cut May 12th, 2015 I cut my wrist again I just didn’t care what anyone thought anymore yep I was a suicidal self harming depressed freak and I didn’t care anymore. My parents got in a fight and for once the fight wasn’t started cause of me, but my dad drug me into it called me names and I cut like crazy carved fat into my arm and I did it slowly making sure I felt it rip across my skin. I had started going to church again then this. I was talking to a guy at the time he told me cutting was stupid and depression was stupid. Me and him started dating May 16th,2015 and I had never been so happy I was finally happy, I had God, my best friend and my boyfriend. He kept my mind off things soon I stopped going to church I spent all my time with him trying to make him happy give up my best friend, my youth group everything for him. Then July 30th,2015 he broke up with me. I was so heartbroken I loved and still love this man with everything I have. I wanted to cut so bad that day I felt like I failure, he told me I Didn’t make him happy, and my thing is I make people happy, I promised myself of I couldnt be happy I’d make as many people happy as I could, I stopped 3 people from committing suicide, always made sure ever one I talked to knew tbey had me to talk to and they weren’t alone and I didn’t do that with him. But I didn’t cut I fought the urge too there was a few time in the relationship I wanted to cut but he told me if I did he’d leave me and I loved him and didn’t want to lose him so I didn’t. I’ve been 3 months clean, back into church, closer than ever with everyone. Got re saved July 19th, 2015. God works in mysterious ways and through him I now have an amazing church family at Sierra View Baptist Church. For the first time I am at peace with everything and slowly step by step getting happier. I still have bad days its a daily struggle to not harm myself, and to get up but I have a great support system and amazing friends. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I have given it all to God and I just pray. He doesn’t give us what we want but what we need. The power of prayer is like no other. And because of everything I have gone through I now have the power to help others. Self harm is an addiction just like, alcohol and drugs. It is not stupid. I am not ashamed anymore my scars do not define me they are my battle wounds from winning. I still have a long road ahead of me but I’m taking it day by day. I have not received treatment I don’t Think medication should define my happiness I can control it. Like I said I give it all to God and I pray and I have amazing people who listen to me vent and help me through this. I also found music, reading, writing and drawing on myself where I feel like cutting works and through this I have gotten closer with my dad and my mom. They both help me.
Just onow you’re not alone, there are many people who struggle daily and go through things. I have faith that you will get through this and win your battle.
Thank you for reading my story.

2 thoughts on “Beautiful Scars”

  1. Hey Candace. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but it’s Gillian from Photography? Uhm… Honestly, this shows me the true meaning of do not judge a book by it’s cover. When i first met you, i saw a beautiful, lovely and extremely happy young woman.
    But now, i see you as strong, wise, beautiful and kind hearted. We never really hung out much except at school once in a while.
    But if you EVER need someone, you can message me on Facebook or something.
    Stay strong♡

  2. Your story is so touching . I enjoyed reading it . I am glad you are doing better as well as your relationship with mom and dad . You are one strong girl !

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