There is Always Hope

I have no idea how your week has been but mine has been crazy to say the least.

I have so much to say…so lets get started,

Last Friday, I woke up to my knees feeling like shit, usually they ache but do not cause me pain like I was feeling. I called the Dr however she was unable to see me till the following week.

Saturday I woke up nice and early because I had made previous plans to go on the Unionville Ride. I am glad I went but it took all i had and then some.

Once We got home, I went straight to sleep. Between the heat and the pain, i could take no more.

Sunday i went to work and quickly found a way to make the day go by fast….(with Alisha’s help)

After work I made enchiladas for my coworkers that were working on Monday..

I love to cook when my body allows me too!

Monday I went to work….YA 2 days in a row! #shieldmaiden 😉

By monday night my entire leg was killing me and all the blood vessels around my knee had blown..

I tried everything to make me comfortable but nothing was working, not even my K-tape.

It is nights like this i just want to run away….I know running away doesn’t do anything because my body comes along but i think you get what I mean. I feel so helpless. Nothing I do ever seems to be enough for my body.

Tuesday i woke up with more pain than i had the night before and i could barely walk. I laid all day in my recliner and cried, it was all l could do.  

I thought Tuesday was bad until Wednesday rolled around….my eyes were blurry most of the day and i kept ZERO food down. …

Now we are at TODAY….lets just say I should have stayed home. I got up feeling not so great but knew I had to eat. So i drove down to Einsteins for my Birthday bagel and Berry Lemonade. On my way home, i was pulled over for speeding….HA! I knew had an extra $200 in my pocket to burn….NOT………

After the fun filled 30min with the Police Officer, i headed off to the Dr. I sat in the waiting room for about 20min panicking about what I would soon learn. I knew today would be a day I would soon not forget, it always is when we go over blood work and other testing.  As the Dr was going over everything, I found myself disappearing into the background. At some point I just stopped listening because I could literately hear no more.  I just wanted to hit the escape button, i wanted to Stop playing whatever game this was. I kept thinking this IS NOT MY LIFE.  You have the wrong tests, I am sick enough, I do not need anything new. I really don’t.

I nodded to all her questions and then politely excused myself as I felt so overwhelmed especially when she said, “I can send you to Stanford, but they will not do much for you because there are not many meds that show any real improvement with this disease.”

I know this might sound funny but i go to the Dr for HELP but rarely do I get any real HELP. I understand they are human too and can only do what they can but I just thought since i can’t HELP myself that maybe someone who went to school to HELP others can HELP me….JUST ONCE….But instead I leave with a stack of Poison meds…I just don’t understand, i really don’t……I feel so lost and so helpless…There really is no  light at the end of the tunnel……….THIS IS HOW I FEEL IN THE MOMENT.

I am sure you are sitting there judging me but unless you are in MY shoes, please try not too.

Most of you know I try to be Positive as much as I can but with the month I have had and the 2 new diagnosis’s I truly feel lost.  Even with that said, i will never give up, i will forever fight up until my last breathe. I am not a sit in the corner and watch my life pass me by person, however I AM ALLOWED to fall apart occasionally, anyone going through this would.

Tomorrow IS my birthday which I like to CELEBRATE because in 2001 my Dr said i would not live past 7 years..So EVERY birthday means a whole lot to me. EveryDAY means a lot to me, EVERY SECOND means a lot to me. This is the very reason why I write and share how I am feeling so that it does not fester and waste anymore unnecessary time that I may or may not have. And I pray it helps others who are going through the exact/similar shit.  Just in the last month 2 people that were in one of the support groups i attend committed suicide. Suicide is not uncommon among the chronic pain/chronic illness community.  Every time  i hear that another one of us has taken their life, it breaks my heart and I am quickly reminded how i have to stay ahead of the beast, that could so easily take control.

Hugs and Prayers to all of us who are going through something tonight, it does’t have to be health shit, it can be anything…..we ALL go through things…..Life is NOT perfect for any of us…..But together WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE….Thanks for all your support <3