Just like last month, I have been busy entertaining local hospital Dr and nurses
Apparently my disease hates me or it just really likes the attention it gets at the hospital. Either way it is really beginning to wear on me. I hate going to the hospital and explaining over and over what is going on, I hate all the meds they add to my already shit list, I hate being in so much pain…..I just hate it all and more importantly I can feel the depression seeping in each time I have to go in. It all can be so damn exhausting mentally and physically.
My pain specialist however removed one of the drugs from my pain pump that has been causing me issues, so I am praying that in a few weeks some of the negative side affects will be diminished. In a previous post I went over my pain pump surgery, but have never really shown how they refill, so here are some refill pictures.
And to be completely honest, I still do not know if I like it or not. It has been 6 months since surgery and I am still on the fence. I know it has helped many people but I also know that it is not a fix for everyone. I am praying that with a few changes, it will finally work for me…..so please keep me in your prayers. My other specialist raised the chemo dose again and told me that we can revisit a change of meds in 8-12 months…..This made me very angry…..It is times like this that i wish that I could touch people and give them my pain and misery for ONE DAMN DAY. She can say what she wants and then she gets to go home and live her life…
I know that I am not alone in how I feel and somehow, sometimes this comforts me. This is why I choose to share my health journey with others because I hope that someone may find comfort in my words. I truly believe this….
This week I did my higher dose of chemo in style….
Unfortunately at the same time, i watched my 49ers lose to the Rams….UGG Double CRAP NIGHT!!
Lets get it together 49ers 😛
I have not had time to check for “questions” you all want answered but I will get to them hopefully next post. I am to tired to go on a “bitching rant,” so no “bitch” section this week either. I know you will all miss that section 😉
So here are my final thoughts….This week has been extremely rough on me, actually the last 6 weeks but I still am IN the fight. Just because I talk about depression or frustration with my illness does not mean I am done fighting. Do I think I am on the tail end of fighting…YES….and I am OK with that. I can feel my body getting weaker and I feel that my fight is almost over however I will fight till the very end! I will Live to the best of my ability each day God gives me. I am going to keep standing up when my body says Fuck you, I am going to keep working until I can’t stand anymore, I am going to keep doing things, I want to do even when others think I can’t, because I am too sick………****Side note**** to those of you who think you are going to keep getting in my way…..YOU better move…I am not letting my disease DEFINE who I am….You might see me weak because I am sick….I see me strong(most of the time) because ALL my cells in my body are trying to KILL me and I am still HERE……
To all my spoonie family…..
Never give up! XOXO