This picture above explains how I have been feeling since the beginning of 2018. I feel like the New Year just slammed into me with ZERO warning. Last night I felt overwhelmed with everything….
My health just seems to be getting worse and I feel NO ONE is doing shit about it. Dr’s do not want to change the meds, all they want to do is up them. I see my pain pump Doctor in 2 weeks and I am praying that we can get through to him that this just is not working for me. I am so tired of the pain….it keeps me up at night, it keeps me in bed during the day, it likes to be in the hospital, it loves to torture me and I am SO OVER IT. My hair is still falling out, the skin on my face is peeling off and i just miss feeling beautiful.
I know that looks are not what makes someone “beautiful,” however we live in a society where being “beautiful” is pushed on women 24/7. We are told to be thinner, have long hair, wear gobs of makeup etc. I have never been the type of woman who listened to what “others” thought I should look like however I miss looking how I want. I miss being able to go to the gym or go dancing to stay in shape, I miss having what hair style I WANT, I miss being able to wear very little makeup and feeling like 100 bucks. I miss ME. Somewhere along this health journey I lost me, I had to change myself due to the side effects of my disease and or medications.
UPDATE……This post has taken longer than I previously thought due to these shit meds! Last Wednesday the Dr thought it would be a good idea to add another dose to the chemo and it took me out for 3 days. I spent many hours in the bathroom and in bed, that stuff makes me so sick and when they add to it, they make it worse. This completely sucks!
I am so tired of puking and feeling that dizzy shitty feeling. This higher dose of chemo meds had better do something amazing because the suffering is bullshit! If this is what is to come every gosh dang week, then I quit!
These diseases of mine have been kicking my ass but the meds I swear can be 100% worse. It really takes everything I have to keep going and if this is really how my weeks are going to be now…..I do not know if I can keep going like this….
I have also been going through some emotional shit outside my health. Lately a few people I thought I could count on ended up being like most other people who run the other way. I hate that those of us with Chronic/terminal illness have to get used to people coming and going. Outside of all the physical pain of my diseases, I hate this part the most. I hate trusting people, I hate giving people chances only to watch them turn their backs.
So with all that SAID, I am going to do a few things FOR ME…
- I am cutting ALL ties with people who do nothing but drag me down. Chemo/biologic mix will be the ONLY toxic shit in my life.
- I am going to search the COUNTRY for better Doctors. I do not know if they exist BUT if they do, I will find them!
- I am going to love me FIRST always. I recently realized i support others when I get very little back. I refuse to be put on hold while I wait on others. What I mean by this is when I feel unloved, I will go be around people who love me, when I feel alone and scared of what my future holds, I will be around people who really do care and have a shoulder I can cry on. My Time IS valuable!
- I will look for happiness within Me, not outside of me. I am going to try(body allowing) to do one thing for ME every week. I definitely lost myself in this health crap. I need to find a way to keep picking myself up even when all I want to do sometimes is die.
5. Wear MORE lipstick…I AM a girl after all
I think for tonight that is all I got. Like I said the last 3 days have been rough, i have kept zero food down, until this morning, the last time I got UP and OUT of the house was today. And unfortunately for me(higher dose #2) chemo/biologic mix is AGAIN tomorrow….So if you pray, say one for me please!! This has been a long 5 years with this diagnosis and although I am grateful to that ONE doctor who FINALLY found out what was wrong with me, my life has been forever changed. Side effects of these diseases will kill me and it will be before my time. I am OK with that now but it is this slow suffering that I will never be OK with. It is ME time now…so until next week……XOXO Keep up the fight spoonies