Getting Too Dark To See

Tonight I sit here thinking of so many excuses on why I do not want to do this life anymore, not because I want to die But because I am so tired of all the pain, the meds, the doctors, the hospitals, the needles, the sleepless nights…TIRED OF IT ALL.

I have never felt so helpless, this shit just never seems to end and nothing ever gets better no MATTER what I do. I am so tired of doing chemo drugs that do nothing but make me feel like shit. I am tired of all the meds that are making my skin peel off, my hair fall and all the other not so fun stuff, I am sure you would rather not hear about. I am TIRED of these damn diseases that together are attacking all my organs and destroying everything in their path. I am tired of being tired, I fucking hate being in a bed 80% of my life, laying around is NOT LIVING, so why do I have to do it? I am tired of being angry at the doctors because I feel that I am just a number to them. they could care less that when I go home I suffer in silence. I am so tired of trying to get them to understand that you can’t just “treat” my diseases by reading out of a book. I need them to HEAR me. I know they can’t cure me but they do have ears to HEAR me with and if they just did this ONE fucking time they would hear my pain. Chemo and biologics are not the answer to everything especially when I have been doing this regimen for years….YEARS! I am not getting any better and the suffering has tripled. I am so DONE.

I believe God has a purpose for all of us, I just wish I understood what mine was, because my grip is slipping from his hand and I am afraid.  I want all this to end, my suffering is becoming to much for me and I am tired of pretending that I can do this.

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why do we all go through the things we go through? I find myself asking these questions  all the time. I hate that I spend my days battling diseases that I am not winning or even getting a handle on. It is so time consuming and mind rotting. I just want a break even if it is for a day or two. I want to clear my mind and go for a long walk. I just want to breathe. I want to feel the wind on my face.

So it has been a few days since I first started this post. I had to step away because I felt so overwhelmed with how I was feeling. Today I definitely can say that while still scared, I do feel a little better than last week.  Sometimes when you get caught up in all the drama of your health, you lose sight of why you are fighting. Now do not get me wrong, I still feel the feelings, i wrote above but today I have the strength to pick myself up and keep going.

I guess in a way we ALL are heroes, We all go through shit…

We just have to remember to keep standing up and fighting. This life is a battlefield.

When I am consumed with all this scary health crap, I forget God said….

If you are battling with your health or something else tonight, give yourself a break! And If it is getting, “To dark too see” write or talk about it. You got this! More importantly you are NOT alone. All of you “spoonies” remind me all the time..OXOXOXOX


So far all we know at the moment is that my platelets, RBC, WBC, Hematocrit are low and my liver enzymes are high again. I have more tests to take and a few Dr appts this month. I am hoping to know a little more in the next 2 weeks. I am still having some pain but my pain pump and oral meds seem to be working once again. Please pray they continue to do their job as I hate going into the hospital.

Today I actually went into work which felt great, it reminded me that even though my body is killing me, I am still in this fight!