You do Not have to love me, I already do!

First off I know that I have not written in almost a month but in my defense, I have been going through hell. Between my health and my personal life, I have been busy. And I have been waiting to come from a place that doesn’t feed off just anger….

I thought of all the posts before this one were tough to write but for the record..THIS one will be the hardest to date. If you have read the “all about me” post then you already have an idea of how my life with chronic illness has been and how others on my journey have treated me.

You would have read how my ex husband and I had found our way back to each other and what a miracle I thought that was…..well here is how that miracle went and ended…..

I have always been a forgiving person, I forgave him when he choked me, when he used my health against me and pushed me away…..i forgave it all….because I thought if I loved him enough, he would love me back just the same.  But after 10 years we threw in the towel, shit was hard on us, we were young and we had no one to help or show us the way.

Who would have thought that 5 years later we would find our way back to each other? At the time I think we both thought it was the greatest thing ever as we both had never stop loving each other. We had the kind of love that is so hard so describe. We always finished each others sentences and I always felt this magic when around him. And even though the abuse continued whether it be mental or physical(punching doors, throwing tables at me etc) I stayed because I convinced myself that with him is where I belonged. And I excused his behavior because I know how hard life can be taking care of someone with chronic illness, I blamed myself for how bad he treated me. I know this doesn’t make any of it right but its my reasons for staying. I think in my situation we had been together for 20 years, he was my person and eventually he would show me how he loved me more than just telling me.  But once again my sickness got used against me….he tried to run around all the reasons we couldn’t make it work but they all lead back to me being sick.  Funny thing is, he has his own health issues, but I never thought about leaving.  It is NOT who I am.  I love people unconditionally, all of us are broken in some way or another.

Worst part was how he shoved me out the door and replaced me like yesterdays newspaper. He said he loved me BUT………Enter excuse here…….then He kept saying all this would be “amicable” but everyday has been anything but that, but that is ok, I know it has to be hard for him to watch me not fall apart. Sure my heart broke but I have zero time to waste, life is way to short, so i just wipe the tears away, pull up my big girl pants, and keep walking forward and never look back. And every day it just gets easier…and that is how I know that I am doing it all right.

So I am moving on, all of us that are sick understand how hard life can be for not only us but for those all around us.  But it is ONLY a part of us, it is not all of us. When you push us away, treat us like dirt, try and break us….it is YOUR weakness, you are taking out YOUR pain, on us….and it truly is your loss. Nothing will ever make you happy and you will continue to bounce around until YOU fix the broken pieces of yourself.

Now that it has been almost a month, I actually think he did me a favor. He set me free from a cage, I could open myself because I was so blinded by what I wanted, by the person I loved more than myself.

I also believe that it wasn’t a mistake unless you didn’t learn from it. I have learned to never go back to what broke you in the first place, I am reminded that I do not need to cry myself to sleep because I am in so much pain I can’t breathe, I no longer need to beg him to take me to the hospital, I no longer am second to electronics, I am no longer a victim to his selfishness, lying or abusive ways.  The person I met 20 years ago and fell in love with is NO longer the person he is now no matter how much I wanted him to be.  This is the end of what miracle I thought we were given and all I will say at this point in time.

So today as I write this, a new chapter of my life has already begun….and I could not be more excited. Sure I am scared, every step I now take is new and my health has gotten worse But I know I got this. I often think of this bible verse Isaiah 43:2

“when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

I still believe everything happens for a reason, we may not know at the moment what that reason is and I am ok with that. I have faith.

I have probably been “living” more these past 3 weeks than I have all last year. I have been going out and having fun…and parts of me that I thought were dead someone brought back to life and for that reason alone I can not thank this person enough.  I just wish my blood tests looked as good as I have been feeling lately. Surprisingly I have only been to the hospital once this month and that was due to internal bleeding and some issues with some new meds.

With all that said, I have to say a big Thank YOU to my RGR family. When it comes down to it, you have all been there for me in one way or another and I am eternally grateful. Alisha we are too alike, we have been through the same shit, we are both A personalities  which can make us butt heads and be crazy but when shit goes down, you pull me back to my feet…reminds me of the saying…

My RSO boys, you all keep me going, when I feel like giving up, you all hold me up and support me. You all rock and make me feel safe. Thank you

Ryan Thank you for your lips 🙂  and reminding me that I am beautiful and I still have a life to live……;-P  You “people pleaser you!” (wink wink)

To my moving crew ….I have no idea what I would do with out you…..it is however good exercise to move my shit a few times 🙂

Thank you Kim for all the laughs, fuck I am going to miss you so much…

and wendy..welcome to my post bitch LMFAO

Just THANK YOU ALL……..

Another thank you to those who gave me a place to live & a set of wheels to use…I am truly blessed!!!

Families will never be perfect, we will squabble, bitch about one another but I believe I have the most amazing non blood family.  All of you are my silver lining to all this mess called life. Many of you are amazed at how strong you think i am but truth is, I have a good foundation to stand on…you all.

On another positive note I have many projects coming up that I am super excited about and I pray my health can keep up with me. I am finally back to working on my book, I am sure this will make my publisher happy….LOL, I also have a 1776 photo shoot coming up in a few weeks, a project proposal I am working on and the online/skype support group for chronic illness goes live in a few months. See God doesn’t close a door without opening another one or in my case MANY…..

To everyone going through something……Keep putting one foot in front of the other  and live every second like it is your last! Cry if you need to cry, scream if you need to scream, feel the pain and then shake it off….. Sure things can get tough but until we are 6 feet under…..we got nothing but the  time God gives us…..use it or lose it……choice is yours…….Do not let others or our disease DEFINE us….XOXO