I hope you all are enjoying the beginning of summer!
I plan on answering more emails next week as this week has been a bad week, my body decided to be a pill. I missed almost an entire week of work and I spent some time in the hospital. It was just one of those weeks when you want to “tap out.” I was completely miserable. the dizziness, the vomiting and the all over feeling like shit does get old…..
BUT….. today I was able to get back to work! It felt so good to be out of bed and be around my work family.
I do not feel as good as I felt 2 weeks ago but I definitely feel better than the past week. My blood tests are not good and my inflammation has been high and I know that is why my body hurts so much but dammit, I really can not take anymore weeks like last week. It truly takes all I have to stay optimistic when my body keeps being an ass.
The Doctors try and help with the pain control but sometimes nothing seems to help. I just have to push through it and pray for it to end. It is so frustrating, scary and really getting OLD. I want a break, a break from it all. My inflammation numbers are very high and have been for awhile now which angers me. It angers me because the Chemo and Biologics I am taking are supposed to be helping with that and it is not. I feel like I am suffering extra due to medication side affects for NO reason. The Doctors are meeting in the next few weeks to discuss what is next for me and I am praying that it is something better than what I am currently going through. Truth is all the ideas they have already discussed with me are no better than what I am doing now, essentially new drug name with same fucked up side affects. I really am trying to be optimistic but I feel so burned out. Until they find a cure, I feel I am in a never ending battle that I am never going to win.
Nevertheless……..Now more than ever I do want to live, because FINALLY outside of my health things are GOOD. I want to see where this new path is leading. I have been enjoying hanging with friends. Going to our favorite Bar with the group…
having BBQ’s with the Walkers…
But Most importantly I have been enjoying my time with the Best Boyfriend a girl could have.
Ryan thank you for showing me that broken pieces can go back together. Your love and support have been such a blessing to me. What is so great about you is that you never had to say the words, “i love you,” because you have always showed me that you cared. It is so good to have someone just do things without having me to ask. The way you comfort me when my health is kicking my butt has been a nice change. I love that I can count on you to be supportive, I know you have my back. I love you for all the above reasons and so much more…………….
To my spoonie family, keep fighting, keep putting one foot in front of the other and NEVER give UP!!! I do not know about all of you but being sick and shown me how STRONG i can be and that I can get through whatever life throws at me!
As always thanks for all the love and support XOXO