Category Archives: Daily Diary

Just what it says…this will be where I BARE ALL…

Is your problem as big as you think it is?

What a question?! I say this though because lately i have been seeing a lot of ” feel sorry for me posts”
I am in no way shape or form calling anyone out or trying to make others feel horrible for voicing their opinions on their personal sites. As i really dislike when others judge me on what i say on my site. What i am trying to convey is that i really want you to think about your problem from another point of view. For example i have read people complaining about no one being their for them and so forth yet from my point of view the ones complaining have moved from their friends/ families and i know for a fact they have great families…(no family is perfect) but i personally know these two peeps i am writing about get monetary & emotional support from family all the time. So next time your feeling “‘alone or not supported” think about people like myself who really have very little and who have very little to zero monetary/ emotional support. So when i see your “‘small” problems it really hurts me how much you take your life for granted.
Life is short and maybe you don’t get that, maybe you do, either way really take a moment and ask yourself is your problem as big as you think it is?!
I sit around a lot in so much pain and discomfort which causes loads of fear and panic. I 100% know life is short…i pray most days i am able to get out of bed so that i can do things…go hang out with a friend, get groceries, walk etc but lately with all this new swelling in my cranial bones, internal bleeding etc…it has been almost impossible most days for me to just get up and shower or check emails/ FB and then when i am able to check in on what everyones doing, most of what i read is so negative…. So to you who think life is so bad right now, lets switch for the day…..
As always i appreciate all the love i receive via email/ phone/ FB etc… I know you all try to do what you can….
God Bless you all and for those of you struggling hang in there, it could always be worse…..even for me, even with all my struggle i know their are children who have my disease and if i feel how i feel i can only imagine what a helpless child feels….
Or If your feeling alone speak to our father, God does hear us…

Another fatigue weekend

Sometimes i get so tired of being so tired! All i want to do on weekends is get out on Sat and do something fun and spend Sun with my church family and unfortunately that did not happen this weekend. I have been so fatigued, i take a shower and then halfway through I am exhausted! So exhausted i get oit and go straight back to bed aaargg
It would be fabulous if some wonderful scientist/doctor/ patient invent an energy pill for us battling this chronic disease. Due to all of this next outing i get, i am going to go buy me some more comfy pajamas, since it seems to be all i wear these days

Looking for a pick me UP

This week i just found out my c7 & c8 are swelling and causing brain issues. Im so frustrated and angry and i keep looking for that one pick me up. The one that puts the smile on my face and keeps me moving on but i am stuck and can no longer see it. Its like when a toddler loses their fav doll/ baby/ etc and until its found NOTHING is right…the whole world is upside down…
I know probably a poor analogy but its all i could think of at the moment.
I just feel so lost and alone in a world that just keeps turning and refuses to slow down so that i can catch my breathe. I am falling apart st the seams and no one seems to take notice.. Its like I’m invisible.
I used to dislike being smothered and now i would sell everything i own to get smothered… The saying , ” you don’t know what you got till its gone” is TRUE.
I will never( and i don’t like to use this word) walk away from being smothered again…. If it ever comes my way again…
Its sad that in the end when you can feel death up the street, around the corner that you just want to run back to things that you took for granted and hold on so tightly. Life is funny that way…
Be careful for what you wish for!!! Be careful with the people you love, be careful with the time and days god gives you because you can never go back….

I think spring is HERE!

Hi everybody! This is going to be short and sweet as there is a lot going on here. I am having some issues with my brain thanks to this lovely disease and therefore i am exhausted and confused lately. When you have Brain issues, it affects everything, your sight, smells, thinking etc. But i do think about all of you and i do promise to update soon. I really hope Dr’s can help me! Although i understand i am on a downhill slope. Dying isn’t supposed to be any fun. On a positive note, the weather here is good today, which is awesome because i love the sun on my face! I love sun tea! I just love the sun sun sun. I hope next week to get out to Donner Lake, so that i can relax and take in some rays. 😉 I will have some new photos of my last travels up soon. New Mexico was really warm and i had a good time. Have a great week………and remember Life is short, pull people towards you not away from you! Love you all times infiniti!!!

Another day in the Life of ME

Hi everyone, yes it has been awhile, but in my defense i have been really sick, in and out of hospitals and everything else. I have nodules, clots, internal bleeding, swelling and all sorts of fun stuff going on…Arrrggg
With that said, i just wanted to drop by and let everyone know i am still alive. I am doing the best i can. I will try as i have time and or feel up to it, answer emails. I am very grateful for all the emails i receive.
Life has been very rough especially lately. I have a hard time accepting what i am going through, i am afraid and thats that. I have very little family and i am alone most of the time. I have a lot going through my head. Being as sick as i am is hard and no one around you will ever understand what you go through and therefore its lonely. Its my body hurting, my body bleeding, my fatigue, my sores, my blood clotting, etc. Its just plain awful!
Then i look around and see all that my health has destroyed. All my prior dreams are gone. I now have to make new attainable goals. Ones that i can do in the near future. I do not know what time i have so i have to make goals that i know for sure i can make happen. I need to stop worrying about some of the other goals i have because i believe God has plans for me. I need to just step back and take a breathe of air and let God do his work. I have an awesome church family and through them i have met some great people who may have the answers to some of my prayers, but i just have to sit back and see where life takes me. I know what i want and i am not leaving this earth without getting it. It may not be how i planned it to be, but i will complete the things that mean the most to me. I know this is the year for new people in my life and i am very open to letting them into my life. I am a good beautiful loving person and my health will not define who i am.
I will try to write more later this week. I am just so exhausted! This disease is awful! Anyways just a little update and some info on what i have been thinking about lately! As usual thanks for all the love!
p.s Please check out Tyrone Wells tour, it starts this coming week….in fact i will be seeing him this Sunday in Sacramento! Love you all times infiniti