I really really try to get people to be here for me but i should not have to beg, I am worth more than that PERIOD! I am going to try to be more proactive about my life and who is in it. I am tired of being hurt, life is way too short and I just like everyone else in this world deserve the best! I am somebody! I may journal more today as I really have a lot to say, it’s time I speak up!
Sometimes we get so caught up in the everyday life and all that it entails…that we forget to love the ones around us. So please tell the ones you love every moment…you never know what they may be feeling… Are you doing your part of the relationship?! Are you being a great pArtner, friend and of parent??!
I have been thinking about taking wrong turns lately and how when we do how it changes our outcome of the day and or life. Do we even know subconsciously that we are doing it?! Do those of that are sick do we take more “wrong” turns than the rest of us? Because we are weaker or feel weaker and therefore can think straight and of just settle?! Do we run when things get tough because we don’t know where to turn to safety? I often wonder about these things. I feel lost more than not in this life… I feel I take more wrong turns than I do anything else. I want to run to where I feel safe but nowhere feels safe. If I wasn’t chronic or terminal would I feel safe? Would I run?
So this week was a little emotional for me! I lost a few friends.. Well they didn’t get lost, they chose another path, which I hope the best for them.
I also spent some time with a special ex of mine who lets me speak my mind and SAY ANYTHING!! It was good to have some time and catch up and get some closure, I think we both needed. This person means a whole lot to me and I am a better person for knowing him! Their are many lessons one can teach us!
I am off to bed now, I am exhausted! Infiniti x Infiniti!
Yes i know i have not been on for a few days but in my defense, i have been busy all week. We had 4th plans that included a fun ride on the motorcycle and who can turn down that??? Then Friday as usual is chemo day…although i did go to a get together at a friends Friday night…i almost lasted 2 hours…lol To be honest i was just glad to get a moment out and get to see a few friends. After the party we went and saw Lone Ranger which was ok….not too bad…
Then on Saturday i went up to Donner(a special place for me) and just sat under the sun reading a book and people watched.. 😉 It was relaxing until the “little bastards” (chemo) kicked in….then it was a horrible night of spine pain…..which leads to today SUNDAY…..Today i just feel like shit and really wish i hadn’t gotten out of bed..but i feel that if i do not get out of bed…nothing will get done…..i have found that even though i am THE GOSHDANG sick person….shit still doesn’t get done unless I DO IT…..WTF I know right?!?!
It really doesn’t feel fair sometimes…it sure as hell isnt fair that i am so freaking sick and that i feel alone. It also isn’t fair that i can’t seem to get help at home….how hard is it to wash a dish or sweep or mop..and the bathrooms FORGET it…..trying to get anyone to lend a hand is impossible!!!
And then i get angry….angry at everything….angry that i am sick, angry that i feel alone…angry that no one seems to understand or even try to understand what i am going through…angry that so many people are so selfish…angry that i have to live by a damn time clock( a timer that tells me when i am due for meds) angry that i have no where to turn to and i feel stuck….angry that i am angry(if that makes any sense)…angry that some people really hurt me on my bday(by not acknowledging it (you would not believe how many people close to me didnt even SAY happy bday)) It is strange how i UNDERSTAND that life is short and some of the people that i care about obviously do not care the way i do….angry that i just want some help…..angry that everything i am going through is always called NORMAL(for this disease) angry that i want to RUN RUN RUN(but there isnt anywhere i can go that my disease will not be tagging along)…angry that i have to explain my self ALL THE TIME…….angry that people are so selfish sometimes…angry that sometimes i just want my parents to be parents…..angry that i spend anytime being angry(as i know it just wastes time i have and i have no time to waste)
But as i have said before this is where i will be TRUE…what i wrote above is so true and so painful…but it is my life NOW…and i know that if i dont speak up others wont…so maybe if i say what i think…others will begin to open up also…..Its bad to keep it all inside…
God has a bigger plan than we have for ourselves………………………………
So this is going to be where i will TRY to write daily…NOW with that said, you have to understand that i have good and Bad days….So do NOT freak out if i miss a day or even a week….Sometimes i am internally bleeding, my fingers are swollen, or its chemo days, or whatever…..
I promise to write the good and the bad, nothing will be left unsaid ever….with that said…DO NOT take anything personal…Unless i use your name(LOL) I am who i am and i will be TRUE here!! I have a foul mouth sometimes and i can get down right viscous….deal with it!!! 😉 I will talk about things that maybe are hard for YOU the reader to deal with…i may talk about things and or people that YOU do not want to hear about….BUT guess what…THIS IS MY WEBSITE…In order to help myself and others, i have to talk about it all!!! As i said earlier…NOTHING will be left unsaid…..
I enjoy all comments good and bad…so don’t be shy…..