Tag Archives: heart break

The Road I Now find myself on



Tonight I am going to try to get some of the emails I receive answered.  I will also give a health update.


It has been 9 weeks since my life took another twist and I was once again thrown onto a new path but so far I have been able to keep one foot in front of another. I think it is important to share my story in hopes that it continues to push me forward and help others who may be going down the same path as I find myself on now.

Lets get straight to the emails and then I will share what has been going on with me and what is next for me.

1. I have been following you since the beginning and I am always amazed on how you stay positive, how do you make it look so easy? 

First off thanks for following, I love to hear from you all! To answer you question it is NOT easy to stay positive through any of this thing called life. To be honest none of this has been easy.  For me I have had to force myself to keep going and to not look back.  And when I find myself starting to look back, I quickly remind myself to keep looking forward because there is NOTHING behind me worth turning around for. As far as my health I have do the same thing…always look forward because stopping and feeling sorry for myself or stressed out about my health gets me nowhere but wasting valuable time.  Thank you for telling me I make it look easy but it could not be farther from the truth.  my advice to you is just keep your EYE on the PRIZE in FRONT of you as much as you can. Never give up on Yourself EVER. This life is for YOU, no one will make you happy but yourself.

2. How are you taking care of your health and emotional state now that you are on  your own?

This is a great question. At first it was super hard to ask for help. I am an A personality and it took all I had to ask others for help. But now that I have, everything has come together as good as it can be.  I have learned how much compassion others around me have especially the people I work with. I feel extremely lucky to work with the folks I do.  Many people have stepped up and offered help with Dr appt visits, hospital visits and so much more.  On a personal level, I have also learned to lean on my faith more than I ever have. I pray to God every night and thank him for the blessings I have and the ones I know are to come. Since I am on the topic of God, I just want to throw this out there….( a couple of my friends although supportive of what I am going through have mentioned more than a few times that I should be mad at God for allowing me to be continuously sick and then allow people like Brian to treat me like he did.  Everyone has a right to an opinion and here is mine in regards to the above…….I am not mad at God, he isn’t the one making me sick or treating me horribly, He is however the one who made sure I had good people in my life that were able to DROP whatever they had going on in  their lives to help me with all that I have needed. I am not going hungry, I have a roof over my head, I have transportation and my life is so full of laughter and joy right now….who else could have made that happen in such a short period of time?!)

So to sum up an answer to your question, I pray, I put one foot in front of another everyday, I keep up with all my medical crap and I PUSH my self to find something positive each and every day.  Sure some days are harder than others But I never give up!

3. Have you been able to look back on the last year yet and see your life in a different light? Do you think you settled with the life you had because of your health?

YES YES and YES!!! It is funny that you ask this question because the other day I had to go back and find some “info” that I needed for a project that I am currently working on and I was able to see through clear eyes the life I had settled for.

I think many of us who are battling our bodies everyday find our selves settling for one thing or another.  In my case I found myself feeling “comfortable” with crying myself to sleep every night, I had accepted that even though someone was lying next to me every night, I WAS alone. I settled for relying on others to take me to monthly Dr appts, to the hospital and worse than those two put together….I settled doing chemo and biologic”s on my own. I had convinced myself that in order to keep the peace at home, I had to only be “sick” when it was just ME, when he was around I had to fake be healthy or at the very least feeling good. I HAD to become 2 people and in the process I lost who I WAS. If you are finding yourself in a similar situation, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and if you do not recognize your reflection, you really need to make some changes.


4. Hi, I am currently going through a divorce right now and I feel so alone and lost. Will this feeling ever go away? Is there hope for us that already have so many issues in life like bad health? In your opinion do we really have a future? Will anyone ever love us, all of us, including our health?

I actually received several emails asking the same thing. I will try my best to explain how i feel on the subject and hope you all can take what you need from it.

First off my heart goes out to any of you going through breakups/divorces etc. I truly feel your emotional pain. In my opinion I think people throw in the towel so quickly anymore. We all stand before God and make these vows to always be there for each other NO MATTER what and then find out the vows were empty promises. And then when you are dating, people will love all what you bring to the table, but then later turn there back on you for the very things that they fell in love with the first place.

It is like people are always looking for the next big thing. Or for greener grass..when the grass will ALWAYS be greener where YOU WATER IT!!!!!    With all that said, you can’t take anything personal, because what others do and say is THERE MESS NOT YOURS and you have to find a way to remember this.

Feeling alone is completely normal, they say that any relationship that ends is like a death and you will find yourself going through all the emotions of mourning. I think that being alone with yourself can be very beneficial.  It is those who jump relationship to relationship , within days are those who will have issue after issue because if you do not give yourself time to “mourn” over the last relationship it will sneak up on you at some point and when it does…..it will affect the new relationship you have taken on…i GUARANTEE IT.

As far as a future, I believe each and every one of us has one. We just have to keep going and always put one foot in front of the other. Do not spend your time waiting for the “right” person to come along, I believe that the “right” person will come along when we least expect it. So spend your time doing stuff for you, make your self happy and when you do the “right” person will come along. So take care of YOU. I know there are people out there that WILL love us, all of us, I have seen it. So do not give up.


For the most part I have been feeling ok.  I have even been able to get out and do a few things which is GREAT!!!

Of course i am still having the usual pain but nothing I haven’t been able to handle(most days). However I had to do my blood tests this week and so far 2 have come back bad. my cell death has more than tripled, it went from 32- 122.  So last night I had to do the highest chemo/bio mix I have ever done and it kicked my ass.  I woke up several times during the night screaming out in pain and it is nights like this that I wish God would just take me. Not only did I wake up today with a lot of hair on my pillow, I felt like a truck hit me. I have been dizzy and running hot all day. I hate how these meds kill both the bad and the good cells. This is no way to live life.

My next Dr appt I am going to beg that we change the meds. I can NOT keep doing this. I am miserable and it is not working anyways, the blood tests prove that.  We are still waiting on 2 other blood tests but at this point I am sure they are bad. But with that said, I am just going to pull up my big girl pants and keep FIGHTING, I have no other choice! This IS the road I am now on and I must keep walking down it. Warriors DO NOT QUIT.

Thank you to those of you who are always my support system, you all keep me on my toes and remind me of why I continue to fight!!!