If you are reading this….guess what you made it another year too!
Ya ya, I know I am late posting my final 2017 post..it sucks being sick, sometimes you just do not get shit done……anyways………I hope you are proud of what all you have survived and done this past year……If I had to pick the hardest year to date since diagnosis, last year definitely was it……
My year started off OK. I had just started a higher dose of chemo but my pain patches and oral meds seemed to be working enough for me to be able to do a few things and make it to work. Then March came around and I went in for my 21st surgery(my pain pump) and the whole world as I knew it changed.
This was supposed to be the “best” thing for pain control in regards to a disease that causes 24/7 pain but it has turned into my nightmare. My disease has caused a lot of problems and stopped most of my dreams in their tracks. This pain pump has destroyed everything else. I went from the disease kicking my ass 3-4 days to not being able to move much for weeks on end. It took 7 months for the pain pump Dr to listen to me and remove one of the drugs from the pump that i KNEW was causing me tons of issues. Day one after the surgery everything tasted and smelled like metal and I gained 26 pounds within a few months. I still have the pain pump, see my Dr every 4 weeks for refills, I am back on oral pain meds as well, my spine hurts all the time where the pump is implanted and it is only costing 1300 a month….I hate this thing! PLEASE if you are considering a pain pump, look into it before doing it…..I know it helps some people but NOT everyone!!!!!!!!!!
The whole pain pump nightmare has made me even more miserable than before…if you can imagine that……HOWEVER several other things happened in 2017……
Our Gun range family got bigger, we gained…. Dan, Dimitri, Don, Ashley, Drew, Alisha and Nick
I absolutely love the RGR crew, they may not know but sometimes on my worst days, they truly give me life, they remind me to keep going and not to give up. Thanks guys
I truly believe God brings people onto your path for a reason..some people are meant to stay on it, some are meant to come and go and some stay for awhile and then go on to the next thing. I feel blessed for those few who have stayed on my path and helped me in one way or another.
Thank YOU Jaime for just listening, sometimes that is all I needed….and please .know that your fucking bitmojis always gave me something to smile or laugh about…..I wish you only the best in 2018!
And thank goodness my Marine Ryan is back…woohoo!! We have way to much fun together……….Laughter is good medicine!!
Sabrina, words can NOT express what you mean to me…God definitely brought us on each others path. I know it sucks but just knowing someone is going through the same shit as I am somehow makes it more bearable. God Bless you and your friendship.
Making memories are the only thing in life we take with us….SO make them!!
I spent roughly 32 days this year in the hospital…super thankful to my awesome nurses, Roco and Sabrina. I spend a lot of time with nurses and most have been complete asses so I am BLESSED when i get to see Roco and Sabrina. Roco even when not my nurse will still come in and make sure I am taken care of…he is a Godsend! Sabrina will go to bat for me if she thinks the Dr is not doing their job….amazing nurses those two <3
Even though I was busy spending time in the hospital and in bed, i was able to work a few days or more……..and since the meds made my hair fall out… I decided to have a lot of fun with hair colors.
My health wasn’t the only thing that caused me great sadness this year… I lost my oldest partner in crime…..Jigs
This really broke my heart because last year we lost his brother Haussen….They were the only ones who loved me unconditionally and never left my side.
These were MY boys..and they will be missed and I pray to see them again someday.
I had a few happy days this year as well. I saw my friend and favorite singer/songwriter Tyrone Wells. Tyrone Wells has been such a blessing in my life…I hope he knows just how special he is and how much his music inspires me to never give up on hope. Thank you for coming into my life 8 years ago!
Your music inspired my latest tattoo….even though my body is killing me…I try to remember this life is beautiful…..
FINAL 2017 THOUGHTS…
2017, I hope eventually becomes a distant memory because it absolutely sucked. I went through more trials than I ever thought I could and even though I came through on the other side I am TIRED. I am Tired of fighting with my body. I pray to God every night to either take me or keep giving the strength to push through because this life although it has its beautiful moments is FUCKING HARD. Nothing I have ever gone through has been as hard as fighting my own body that wants to kill me….not hurt me but kill me. I have never ever felt so depressed or wanted to die more than I have in 2017. Chronic illness and Chronic pain is so consuming and it demands to be felt in a way I wish on NO ONE.
I pray that 2018 brings people in my life who are not afraid to stick around even if that means watching me screaming, being poked/tortured by awful poison meds and praying to die. I pray people have more compassion towards others, truth is everyone is battling something. I hope that new Doctors come on board with new ideas on how we can fight my mean ass body. I pray God continues to hold my hand on days I no longer want to live. I hope those around me watching start taking nothing for granted….
I do not believe in New Years Resolutions because lets be honest, no one really follows through with what they say, however I am going to hold myself accountable with this quote:
And I am going to remember to do this daily:
So here is to 2018…I pray you all continue to fight, even if it is only for another second. You are not alone WARRIORS….XOXO
XOXO See you all Next year